Nightly Ponderings

I never really thought that I would ever have kids. I would be this busy career woman and children were just not on my radar. I actually thought for a while that I could just live my life as a free spirit being acquaintances with people but never getting to close. I did not think that I needed people.

Now I realize how necessary the connection to other people is. I talk to a lot of people online that I would love to hang out with and break bread with in real life. They are all around good people that do not live the stagnant lives I see here. The life I would be leading if I did not know better. These people make me want to do things and be healthy...just be a more awesome person overall.  I wonder how I can find people with like interests here. Grown up women and the men that love them who know the benefit of girls time. Folks that actually like to read and discuss books. Married couples who are not dysfunctional and can be an example to me and my future hubby.

Sometimes I wonder if I do not have these people in my life because I am not the type of person to attract that because I am not that. You know the whole like attracts like thing. I don’t know.  Maybe when I actually have more time, I will attract the sort of people I want to be friends with. 

The Dream Sparked...

I had a dream the other night that has been steady on my mind. It was not pleasant and I have been trying to figure out what it meant. I now know what it means to me. I have always put a time limit on things in my life. Well, I can't do this b/c I will be too old. Who says. If this is what I want it is what I want. If this is what God means for me then it will be. Why should I put that negative energy into the air about what I can't have when there is so much I can have. There are so many things that I wanted that I have received. God has been so good to me. Even in what I thought would be my greatest time of struggle we were still provided for. I may not be able to just take off and go to the beach or ball til I fall but I am so very blessed and I am so thankful. 

So with that...this are things that I want and will not limit myself...

I want a husband who is my life partner. I want him to respect and complement me, be the yen to my yang. I want him to be strong where I am weak. I want him to be kind and calm but able to be the leader in the relationship. To understand that I get scared and want to run away but he will be patient with me. I want to him to be my friend as well as my love. I want him to love my son like he is his own.  I need him to know God and be willing to have faith but also work towards our family goals. I need us to be able to pray together. 

I want to be a life partner and friend to my husband. I want to be able to understand that he is the leader of the house and trust him to do that.  I want to be his best friend, lover and supporter. I want to be able to stand as the strong partner that he needs me to be but also know when to let him take the lead. I will be able to nurture our family and love his children like they were my own. I will let him into the softest most vulnerable part of me because I know that I can trust him with my thoughts and feelings as he will be able to trust me with his.


I want out love to be represented though a child from us if it is not in God's will.  Our love will also be represented through the love that we give to others...to our present children, our families, good friends and community.  


I believe that I need to be specific so this is what I have done here. It is more than a list of things I would like in a partner...I didn't specify appearance because I believe that he will come in a package that I never expected. Those things aren't as important when my heart is involved. 

Now Reading: Battlefield of the Mind

I ordered the book and accompanying workbook of the above title by Joyce Meyers. God knows that I have issues with my way of thinking. I remember my mom being a positive thinker but deep down I don't think that she really was. I have been working on this. I have been able to do well in my thinking. It is not the first thing I think though. I am training my mind to stop and think positive and comforting thoughts instead.

Along with this, I am soon to embark on my final class of my degree program. YES!!! *Cues CeCe Peniston FINALLY* I have had this class scheduled numerous times because there were not enough students that needed the class. So now it will be just me and the teacher. I am worried but I will give my 100 and that will need to be enough.

Positive WINS!

This week has been a true roller coaster for me. I have been turned up and down… in and out. And I am so tired. I am also very thankful that it is Friday.

I have had to put some things into perspective. I don’t know what you believe but I know there is negativity out there. When the positive is chugging along negative tries to get in its way. I have been doing ok keeping the negative out but I now can see how I am being tested. Thinking about this situation with my son’s dad has been trying to be in the forefront of my mind to derail all of the progress I have made. If you know anything about me you know I am all about progress. But the simple fact is that I do not have the time or space for this to be at the forefront of my thinking like it wants to be. I will deal with it. I am in no rush and it is going anywhere. 

What it Boils Down To

I have been trying to deal these new developments and the emotions that have come with them. I have been trying to be noble and mature about the issue. Deep down in the deepest of my thoughts and feelings I am feeling anything but noble, calm and mature. I am pretty pissed off. I am nervous almost to the point of panic. Where he is concerned I am straight fight of flight. When I got the news I was ready bolt out of a meeting. That was my first instinct…to go get my baby as fast as I could and just flee.  

I am wrestling with the choice I have to make now. Do I contact him and risk my child’s feelings. Do I not contact him and keep my son’s father out of his life. I told this man in the beginning, either when I was pregnant or soon after that my child was not going to have a dad who ran in and out of his life and if he thought this was what he would do then he should just go. This is the life I had and I know how this affected me. My dad was back and forth. Years would go by without me seeing him and then all of a sudden he would show up thinking life should go on and if he had always been here. When in this relationship I let him run in and out. I stayed in the muck when I knew I should not be there or let him come back freely what he thought was better turned back into a frog.  Anyway…I know how this affects a person. I do not want to be the cause a downward 

spiral in my son’s life.

I have to put my child’s well being ahead of what I want.

Honestly I had hoped that he would not resurface. Or if he did it would be when my son was in his teens not 6. He would be able to understand things more and weigh in on the decision.  If he went somewhere with his dad I would not worry (as much) about his safety b/c he would be bigger and able to take care of himself more than he can now. Or if he was taken somewhere he would know and be able to call me if he needed to.

Maybe I am more frantic than needed. But when it comes to my child…

Today was the day...

So the moment that I have dreaded happened today. The missing wayward dad decided to contact his son’s mother.  I am sitting in a meeting this am and my little sister calls. I grab the phone and text that I am in a meeting. She told me that he had just left my grandmother’s house. If I was a fair skinned person I would have turned all kinds of shade of green. My stomach dropped and I got so nauseous.

I knew that this would happen but I had hoped that my son was older. If he was older I would ask him where he wanted to go with this. Right now, he is too young to process all of this. Right now he does not know about the visit.

I know that I am going to have to pray my way and ask for guidance through this. I flashed back to the last time there was any contact and what a fiasco that was. There was a third party that kept getting involved in it. I think he may have been putting her there for the attention factor. I walker to the mirror in the workplace restroom and I randomly asked myself “why this, why now?”  I received an answer…”Because you can handle this now.” 

I will keep this in mind when I get over the shock of it all.

Birthday Love and Lessons

Since my mom passed I have really wanted to keep my birthdays low key. I don't do a countdown like in the past and I basically forget it is approaching until someone reminds me. Don't get me wrong...aging is not the issue. I am so blessed to have seen the number of years that I have because so many don't. And life is seeming to get better as I age. It's the fact that the person that brought me into this world is not here and that I have been going through a strange patch in regards to friends.  That safe place to be is just no longer there.

I came into work to an unexpected celebration. The love that I received was awesome. I was floored that my friends/coworkers thought so much of me. It was a truly beautiful display of love. For that I am so grateful. So my thought is that I want to bring that feeling to other people. When I interact with people I will treat them in a manner where they feel that they matter. We all matter.