Now It's Time to Say...

I have been trying to decide for a while what I wanted to do with this space. Although I have been in the mood to write, it's really just venting, some reflection and re-evaluation of sort. Mostly venting and I didn't want to put that here.   Small update: I'm fine. I'm taking care of business as usual. I am almost finished with school with 3 more classes left. Yay! My son is doing great in school.  I am proud to pull those A pluses out of his backpack every week. He is my motivation. I have a close family member that is ill and at this point it may be getting worse so we are just staying in prayer.   This will most likely be my last post from this site. I still want to blog but I want to just express what I am feeling at the time. I am going to retreat to the inner caves of the blogosphere to just write as I please, venting and all.  I will need some sort of release from what is going on in my life.   Thank you to everyone who has ever taken the time to read my words. Also that you to anyone who has ever commented. The connection truly helped me at a time where I felt I did not have anyone to listen. I have meet some AWESOME people through this blog and for that I am so grateful.   The bird (tweet, tweet) is the word and you can find me over there at this1woman.   Take care,   ThisOneWoman        

Helllllllll-er!

Hi everyone!! **Waves**

I took sort of an unexpected hiatus.  I just looked up one day and I noticed that I had not been blogging.  I have been busy getting my son all secure in his new school. I really like his teacher. She seems to be ole school and about her business of teaching.  I like that.  He likes his teacher and class. I really like the school.  It is so much more organized than the prior one and parents are welcomed to involved.   He is doing really well so far scoring A pluses on his first 2 (and only) spelling tests. Mom is so excited and proud.

I had a month break off of school and I am now diving back in.  Much to my disappointment I will not graduate in May.  I decided to push back my student teaching to Fall of next year due to my current class schedule. I do not want to overlap classes and have to rush my observation hours.  I was very sad about this. But, everything works out in perfect order according to God's will.

I am still going strong with my online church experience.  I have noticed a shift in my way of thinking and for this I am so thankful. I am almost at the place of forgiveness to myself and someone who I once loved.  I need to take my spirituality deeper now.  I need to pray, meditate and study to get to the next level.  I feel like I am on the verge of a life changing breakthrough.  I can see where I need and want to be.

I will probably pick back up on my "The Letters" series.  I have a couple more that need to be written. 

What's going on in your lives??? Catch me up...I wanna know!

The Letters

This letter is to me 10 years ago at 23 years old. 

Hey Sweetie…Things are about to get really scary right now.  I want you to know that you are strong enough to get through this.  I know it may seem like the world is collapsing around you but you will get through this.  Pray and pray often.  Don’t pray like you are a wayward child speaking to her punishing parent but pray like you are speaking to the parent that loves you and wants the best for you.  God loves you. 

You seem to have this habit of boomeranging yourself between these two men.  Why are you doing this? What are you looking for? They cannot give you what you are looking for.  You have to validate your own self worth.  These men showing interest in you does not make you.  One guy is the fall back when the other disappears.  He doesn’t deserve this.  You don’t deserve this.  You are so beautiful and smart.  Did you hear what I said honey??? You are beautiful inside and out.  Act like the queen I know you are. 

You know deep down inside that this relationship is not meant to last.  You have said that you feel like you are going in circles with this man and you are.  If you choose to stay you will be given the best gift that you could ever experience.  It is not what you are striving for but it is so much better than anything you could ever imagine. 

Like I said before, life is about to change.  You will feel lost but just hold on.  Hold on to your family and your friends that love you.  And know this in the times when you think you are all alone, you really aren’t.  And when you think that you are broken, you will heal. 

I love you and I will always be there for you.

Thankful/Random

So my son had a doctors appointment today for his 6 year old well check.  He is doing GREAT.  He is growing well and very healthy.  And the best part of all is that the doctor no longer hears a heart murmur.  My baby boy had to go through some tests when he was tiny and was diagnosed with a functional heart murmur.  He has never has any complications but I was concerned because of his age and the likelihood that he will be in sports soon.  He has done kiddie soccer and stuff but it was just a bunch of little kids kicking a ball around.  So I am so happy and very thankful.
 
I am still going strong with my online churching.  I still love all of the love and positivity flowing there.  Makes me want to move to Cali to just be in a community like this.  Let me do some searching here.
 
School is cool.  I took a BIG test a couple of Saturdays ago and I am awaiting the results.  If I pass which I am pretty sure I did it will be full steam ahead to student teaching in the spring.  I am with a good team this class, that is always a help.
 
I have needed to write some letters to get some thoughts and feelings out.  I wrote the first one last night.  There will be more to come.
 
I am going on a tweeting hiatus of sorts.  It has really gotten kind of stagnant for me and I am a little bit disgusted/annoyed by something I see going on so I figure it is a good time for a break.  I figure I have other things I need to be doing anyway. 
 
 
 

The Letters

May as well start at the beginning…

Dear Mama,

I miss you so much.  I miss you more than I thought was humanly possible.  I remember your face because it’s like looking in the mirror and we have so many pictures around.  But I don’t remember your voice anymore.  This makes me sad.  Just to hear you say my name once more.  Just to hear you call me one of the many nicknames you had for me.  I wish I could still hear you. 

I have had some rough patches since you have been gone.  There were many times that I cried myself to sleep wondering what you would tell me or even if I would have gotten myself in that situation if you would have been there. 

I tried to make you proud while you were here.  I tried to make things easier for you.  I figured if I did all that I could to be perfect, things would be easier for you. I hope you are proud of me…I hope you are proud of what I have accomplished and what I am working on. 

Your grandson…Lord, where do I begin.  He is the light in my life.  I know how you felt about us now since I have one of my own.  I wish you could be here with him. I really wish he could have known you.  I know you would have him even more spoiled.  He is so smart.  You would be so proud of him.  And he is a clown.  He would make you laugh so hard.  He is the most handsome little boy that I have every seen…and he loves and takes care of his mama.  He is truly my heart. 

You would be so proud of the woman your baby girl is becoming.  I thought for a minute I was going to have to hang her up in the tree but she seems to be getting herself together.  She is now going to cosmetology school.  She has been much happier since she figure out that she doesn’t have to try to be like me and do what I did education wise. 

Sometime I just break down and cry because I miss you so much.  You were a great mother.  You sacrificed so we could have.  Even during your not so good moments I know you were doing the best you could.  Thank you for teaching me right from wrong so I could pass these values down to your grandson.  I am doing the best I can to be the best mom I can for him.  I know you never wanted me to go through what you did as a single mother but here I am.  Things didn’t quite go the way I planned but I am making the best of it.

I love you.  Thank you for being you.  I know that you were not always confident in yourself but you always pushed and spoke greatness unto me.  One of the things that I remember you always telling me was that I could do anything that I put my mind to do.  You believed in me without fail.  Now I am learning to believe in myself. 

I will love you beyond my last breath,

Your daughter

200 Posts...Owwwwwwww!

Sorry suckas...

I really want to like men, I really do.  I want to love my brothas but I just do not understand some of the ish yall do.

It's like yall have no concern for anyone other than yourselves.  How and why would you say something to intentionally hurt some one that you have claimed to care about.  I know we all say things in the heat of the moment but there are some lines that you just don't cross.

This right here...this crap right here keeps me single.  I do not want to have my feelings and actions disregarded and thrown by the wayside.  I am fighting so hard to get back or just to a place in my life and mind that does not reek with the stench of the past. A place where I no longer hear the echoes of the hurtful words that were said.  I will not give anyone else permission to try to break me.