January and February sometimes into March are dark months for me. Coming off of the Holidays and my mom’s birthday has ya girl kind of deflated. Then there is this depression thing that tries to rear its ugly head and attack me. It like it’s always peeking around the corner to see if there is a weak point where it can jump on my back. This is the part of me that is hidden far away from people. I basically suffer in silence. I do not tell anyone when I start to feel this way because they look at me like O_o since there is nothing they can really do to help or at least that is how they perceive it. “Oh cheer up” they say. That is really like telling someone who is walking waist deep in mud to hurry up. So I am really trying to do the things I know that help. I am eating better, not perfect but better. I am moving more and drinking more water. I am also keeping my mind busy.
Anyway…this post was not supposed to be about that but maybe it will help to express it.
Thanks to some wise ladies that read my blog I understand that beating myself up for past transgressions is not the business. I am to use the past to make sure it does not happen again and I have been successful up to a point. I actually bypassed a guy that my friend thought was so good for me by trusting my gut. It came out later that homeboy was $50,000 delinquent in paying child support. I can’t balk because a dude has a kid or kids(I have a limit) but I can’t be with a man that is not providing for his own. If he can’t take care of his blood what in the hell can he really do for me and mine…not a damn thing. I have also let the past change me in not so positive ways.
It took me a looooong while to realize that I had been abused. I thought because he wasn’t busting me in the face it wasn’t abuse. Well emotional and mental abuse is real. He used my then issues and used them to keep me where he wanted me. And I am suffering the after effects of insecurity and anxiety. The thought that I am somehow emotionally damaged because I am afraid of letting any man get too close. I think I use the “I am working on me” as a crutch to not let anyone in. There I said it. I really am working on me but that does not mean that I cannot go out and meet people. I don’t know where this is going…I am just frustrated to still be dealing with this mess so long after the event.
I don’t have anything else to say right now…
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On the Rock
17 hours ago
7 comments:
Well, I say stay prayed up and that will lead to some cheering up :).
I agree that mental and emotional abuse is very real, and often overlooked if it isn't accompanied by physical abuse. Good for you for recognizing your issues and attempting to deal with them head on.
Aretha
There is nothing wrong with being cautious. Take your time. There is no rush. You'll know when you are ready to let someone in. You can't work on anyone else's timetable but your own.
Wow .. Sending Hugs your way
I soooo can relate to everything you said. I usually get sad and depressed around January 14th. Because I know in an exact month it will be the day that I layed my dad to rest. Valentine's day has never been the same for me.
As far as the mental and emotional abuse it is real. I still to this day have to work on my feelings.
I dealt for so long that I overlooked alot of things, but now that I have been brought out of that situation, I just smh at how dumb I was. It take time to heal so just take the time and enjoy the ride to finding the you that you are destined to become.
Working on yourself is a continuous process for everyone, you can do it with or without someone. When you are ready you can let someone in... or they work their way in too.
You are too hard on yourself my friend. You need to give yourself a break.
(((hugs)))
I have nothing to add because the ladies above said it all so I'll just give you a cyber hug. (((HUG)))
Thanks all for the hugs and words.
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