Emotionless

I am emotionless at times...


In my family you were not to cry. I only remember my mom only crying when she was diagnosed with cancer. I do not ever remember my grandmother crying as I was growing up. I haven’t even seen my sister cry regarding my mom’s death and my mom died when she was 12. I know everyone deals with things differently but showing emotion is human. We show happiness and definitely show anger but sadness not really. I suppose this is where I equated crying with weakness. Also growing up being teased for being too dark…smart…skinny (I was skinny then…lol), the cardinal rule was to never let those kids see you cry. Maybe it is the history of the women in my family, we cry behind closed doors when no one is watching. I’m not saying to be a blubbering mess to everyone you see but crying is human…to express is to be human right?

So then I meet a boy who was taught not to have emotions either. His emotions were probably beat out of him at an early age. He was taught to intimidate by any means necessary. I started to feel emotions towards him…I wanted to express them. He was uncomfortable so he shut down…so eventually I shut down too. I shut down for because I was afraid of being rejected once again. You love this person so you want to touch them but when your touch is constantly brushed off it starts to take a toll on the essence of who you are…or were. It breaks you down….just being touched when he wants something. You become a shell of yourself. You look in the mirror and see vacancy…or you see him. His rage, his emptiness. Then after years and years of this he says “You never talk to me, you never tell me how you feel”. Huh…ain’t this some ish. Dude, really?!? You wouldn’t even let me chew gum so how am I supposed to tell you my feelings. I tried and you recoiled.

So…I experienced many bouts of depression while in school getting my psych degree. Once my friend talked me into going to see someone at the school’s counseling center, I learned that my body needed a release of emotions. Funny that they never teach you in school that your mental has a response to stress too. You always hear what it could do to your body but hardly even hear what it could do to your mind.

Lately I have been feeling like I need to cry. Usually I get one good cry, I mean ugly sobbing cry, in a month but my cries have been stifled. Don’t know why…I guess it will come when it is time.