Where am I...

I lost myself...but did I ever really know me?
 
For many years in my life I was truly my mother's daughter.  I did things because they made her proud and didn't do things because they would bring her shame.  I lived to please my mom.  When I was teetering on the brink of doing something that may not turn out as she would like, you should have seen the depths of anxiety I was thrown in.   It was torture!!!  Then she passed and I was thrown into the role of caretaker for my sister and grandmother.  The time when I should have been figuring myself out was spent with parent teacher conferences and school shopping for my sister and doctors visits and hospital stays for my grandmother.  The ex was my escape from all of this.  He was the person I could be a little of myself with.  I wasn't looking to take care of him but if the slot was not filled with my family, he would have happily slid right in.  Then I had my son and he became my priority, as he should be BUT, I should share in the title.  How can I care for EVERYone when I am barely making it.  I am getting burned out on all this "other" stuff.  My shoulders are tired of carrying all this weight. 
 
I had to get the the root of what has been bugging me lately and why I strongly feel the need to run far away.  I remember telling someone that I just want to be free.  I think this is what I mean but couldn't find the words for then.  I have been praying to get to the bottom of these disgruntled feelings that I have been having.  Now I need a plan.