Caught in my chest

I have always been different.  Since the day I was born I was different. 
 
Growing up I was constantly told how I was not like the other kids.  Adults were amazed that they could hold a conversation with me like they were talking to another adult.  Not like an annoying sassy think they're grown kid but just not like the conversations that you would have with an ordinary kid. 
 
Starting school was sort of strange for me because I felt more comfortable with adults.  I just didn't feel like I fit in.  I was different. 
 
I was different in terms of looks, I towered above my classmates and I was different in terms of abilities after being singled out for gifted classes.  This news spread around the hood and I was looked at as being even more different.  I was already singled out because I wore corduroy slacks, loafers and vests, skirts, patent leather and lace to school.  This was the 80s and I think crack took alot of folks' common sense and sense of pride in taking care of their children away so I was an anomaly of sorts due to this...and my quiet nature. 
 
People, kids in general,  tend to lash out at what they don't understand. I was called stuck up, ugly among hurtful other things.  This isn't fun for a kid.  So with my small set of friends I was cool but for everyone else I turned to ice.  I perfected my glare and stare down.  I gave that yeah I'm smart but I will whoop you within an inch of your life meanness and if you feel froggy, jump attitude.  No one ever jumped.  Folks would talk about me behind my back and then be messy and say so and so said but since no one approached me with the rah rah I didn't have to fight.  I also knew my mom would not be too keen with me getting in trouble even if I was defending myself.
 
Puberty hit...things sprouted...boys and some men noticed.  This made me waaaaaaaaaay uncomfortable.  I didn't know how to respond to this so I after I figured out that they only wanted one thing, I retreated into myself with my thoughts.  I'm not sure that my mom noticed how quiet and reserved I got.  Perhaps she figured it was just normal teenage behavior and maybe it was but I just know about me and my thoughts and feelings during this time.  
 
The past few years I have been struggling...trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out where I am now and how did I get here.  Outside stuff became more important and I lost who I was.   
 
I don't have to keep up with what the next person is doing.  I don't have to wear with the next person is wearing...I just have to be comfortable in my skin.