Dreaming...

My night started off pretty crappy when I realized that my internet at home would not work.  I tried all through the night to get it going to no avail.  I think it's an router issue but I have been wanting to change providers anyway so I will just do it now.  I ended up folding clothes in between my trials and I went to sleep at about 11:30 or 12.  Then I started dreaming...
 
I dreamed about my son's dad.  (Blah) In this dream he apologized about everything that he did and he wanted a chance to be in the boys' lives.  Oh yeah, I had another son.  He came to their school and talked to me.  Once I gave him the ok, he approached them.  Ty(my IRL son) was like, "Mom, who is this dude?" I told him, "That is your dad" and then they started to play together.  My other son had to warm up to him.  I didn't even know that he was there for most of the dream.  Also in the dream we were moving and when I told the dad that we were moving, he said that he was moving too so he could be close to the boys.  I also remember being in a car with him driving through the mountains.
 
This was one of those dreams that you wake up tired from because you really feel the emotions.  I remember feeling that I really hoped that he changed his ways because I secretly in my heart of hearts wanted another chance for the family that I always wanted.  I also felt and believed that he really had changed because he displayed one emotion that I had never see him display...humility.  He came back into the picture humbly.  He was finally who I had always known he could be.  IRL, to my knowledge there is not a humble bone in this man's body.  On the inside he is broken and empty but he outwardly acts like he is all that and can't be touched. 
 
I woke up numerous times and every time I went back to sleep, the dream continued.  I was trapped in this dream, trapped feeling these feelings. 
 
I finally woke up for the day and I was tired and upset.  I was upset that he had invaded my dreams so vividly.  Then I was upset that I was upset by this dream.  I have been trying to figure out why this dream bothered me so.  I think the fact that he was the man that I always believed he could be and that I wanted to be back with him.
 
In reality, the moment I found out about his betrayal, I stopped wanting to be with him.  Yes, I hurt, I hated him and it took me some time to stop loving him but eventually I did.  I know that I am not hurt for myself anymore but I am hurt for my boy when he asks if he has a dad.  I know I am still pissed at him abandoning my son but I honestly believe that it has been for the best.
 
I have been encountering the message of "forgiveness" a lot lately.  And I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to forgive this man, I have come up with nothing.  It is still at the point that I would not spit on him if he was on fire.  This isn't good.  I don't want to live with this in my heart anymore.