It is what it is

I really wasn't thinking about father's day. I rarely do.  Maybe my dream and thoughts of my son's dad had something to do with this day approaching. I don't know. 
 
Anyway, all of this talk today about father's day makes me think about the relationship I have with my dad.  There isn't one.  I don't want one.  There is no longer a hole in my life where a father should have been.  I don't know when it closed but it is closed.  I can't miss what I have never had.
 
I am bothered by the fact that he thinks he can be "dad" when he was absent most of my life.  That isn't his place. I don't know his favorite color or food.  I don't know if he is allergic to anything.  I don't even remember if he is left or right handed.  So he can't jump right into the dad role when I don't even know the basic things about him, nor does he know these things about me. 
 
I could tell him all of these thing but honestly trying with him takes too much effort.  If I don't feel anything missing in my life, why would I want to make the effort.  I could do it for him but I am reeeeeeeal tired of doing things that I don't want to do.  I spend too many years living the way my mom or grandmother expected of me and I am done. 
 
My acceptance of BS in my relationship with men was modeled after him.  He has always been in and out, back and forth.  That is the way that my relationships went.  That's how I spent 11 years holding on to something that wasn't solid in the first place.