I woke up this morning...with a smile on my face.

Man…these past couple of weeks have been rough for me mentally, spiritually, emotionally. It seems when you are trying to work hard to pull yourself in a new direction, the old stuff comes bubbling up. Maybe it is supposed to until it is truly resolved. I don’t know.


I do know that I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. Like I was saying in my Thankful post, I am a found a church online based out of California that I just love. One of my childhood friends that I reconnected with attends there. I can feel the love, acceptance and positivity streaming through the broadcast. This is a strange feeling for me. I feel the pull towards it and my mind says “STOP!!! This is weird. What if these people are not genuine and are like a cult”. My heart says AHHHH it feels good here. I love all of the positive thinking and love being spread. It’s a more spiritual than religious place. Maybe this is what I need because the religious guilt has always been so hard for me to overcome. But it still talks about God, I love that.

I think about the church and it’s principles in the middle of the day and I wish I could listen to them on my phone but I can’t. I have never felt like this.

I don’t know what to do about this resistance. Are these ppl telling me to send them my life savings and my first born…of course not. I am just going to go on with attending these online services and stick with the positivity in my mind. I am going to also keep doing my devotionals and praying.

Last night I got a little sign, I guess, that I am moving in the right direction in regards to my healing and thinking. I saw a recent photo of someone and the reaction that I had is not the one that I have had in the past or the one I thought I would have. I am healing and becoming stronger. When I finally see this person face to face again (and I know eventually I will) they will not be able to hurt me. CAN I GET A HAND CLAP FOR THIS ONE????

There are not many feelings like knowing that someone has the power to harm you mentally and emotionally, that they could crush you with a single glance. That is a frightening feeling. It’s terrifying.

Thankfully now I know that this I no longer possible.