One Woman Show

Now It's Time to Say...

2011-12-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to decide for a while what I wanted to do with this space. Although I have been in the mood to write, it's really just venting, some reflection and re-evaluation of sort. Mostly venting and I didn't want to put that here. Small update: I'm fine. I'm taking care of business as usual. I am almost finished with school with 3 more classes left. Yay! My son is doing great in school. I am proud to pull those A pluses out of his backpack every week. He is my motivation. I have a close family member that is ill and at this point it may be getting worse so we are just staying in prayer. This will most likely be my last post from this site. I still want to blog but I want to just express what I am feeling at the time. I am going to retreat to the inner caves of the blogosphere to just write as I please, venting and all. I will need some sort of release from what is going on in my life. Thank you to everyone who has ever taken the time to read my words. Also that you to anyone who has ever commented. The connection truly helped me at a time where I felt I did not have anyone to listen. I have meet some AWESOME people through this blog and for that I am so grateful. The bird (tweet, tweet) is the word and you can find me over there at this1woman. Take care, ThisOneWoman

Helllllllll-er!

2011-09-27T04:30:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!! **Waves**

I took sort of an unexpected hiatus. I just looked up one day and I noticed that I had not been blogging. I have been busy getting my son all secure in his new school. I really like his teacher. She seems to be ole school and about her business of teaching. I like that. He likes his teacher and class. I really like the school. It is so much more organized than the prior one and parents are welcomed to involved. He is doing really well so far scoring A pluses on his first 2 (and only) spelling tests. Mom is so excited and proud.

I had a month break off of school and I am now diving back in. Much to my disappointment I will not graduate in May. I decided to push back my student teaching to Fall of next year due to my current class schedule. I do not want to overlap classes and have to rush my observation hours. I was very sad about this. But, everything works out in perfect order according to God's will.

I am still going strong with my online church experience. I have noticed a shift in my way of thinking and for this I am so thankful. I am almost at the place of forgiveness to myself and someone who I once loved. I need to take my spirituality deeper now. I need to pray, meditate and study to get to the next level. I feel like I am on the verge of a life changing breakthrough. I can see where I need and want to be.

I will probably pick back up on my "The Letters" series. I have a couple more that need to be written.

What's going on in your lives??? Catch me up...I wanna know!

The Letters

2011-08-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

This letter is to me 10 years ago at 23 years old.

Hey Sweetie…Things are about to get really scary right now. I want you to know that you are strong enough to get through this. I know it may seem like the world is collapsing around you but you will get through this. Pray and pray often. Don’t pray like you are a wayward child speaking to her punishing parent but pray like you are speaking to the parent that loves you and wants the best for you. God loves you.

You seem to have this habit of boomeranging yourself between these two men. Why are you doing this? What are you looking for? They cannot give you what you are looking for. You have to validate your own self worth. These men showing interest in you does not make you. One guy is the fall back when the other disappears. He doesn’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this. You are so beautiful and smart. Did you hear what I said honey??? You are beautiful inside and out. Act like the queen I know you are.

You know deep down inside that this relationship is not meant to last. You have said that you feel like you are going in circles with this man and you are. If you choose to stay you will be given the best gift that you could ever experience. It is not what you are striving for but it is so much better than anything you could ever imagine.

Like I said before, life is about to change. You will feel lost but just hold on. Hold on to your family and your friends that love you. And know this in the times when you think you are all alone, you really aren’t. And when you think that you are broken, you will heal.

I love you and I will always be there for you.

Thankful/Random

2011-07-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

So my son had a doctors appointment today for his 6 year old well check. He is doing GREAT. He is growing well and very healthy. And the best part of all is that the doctor no longer hears a heart murmur. My baby boy had to go through some tests when he was tiny and was diagnosed with a functional heart murmur. He has never has any complications but I was concerned because of his age and the likelihood that he will be in sports soon. He has done kiddie soccer and stuff but it was just a bunch of little kids kicking a ball around. So I am so happy and very thankful.

I am still going strong with my online churching. I still love all of the love and positivity flowing there. Makes me want to move to Cali to just be in a community like this. Let me do some searching here.

School is cool. I took a BIG test a couple of Saturdays ago and I am awaiting the results. If I pass which I am pretty sure I did it will be full steam ahead to student teaching in the spring. I am with a good team this class, that is always a help.

I have needed to write some letters to get some thoughts and feelings out. I wrote the first one last night. There will be more to come.

I am going on a tweeting hiatus of sorts. It has really gotten kind of stagnant for me and I am a little bit disgusted/annoyed by something I see going on so I figure it is a good time for a break. I figure I have other things I need to be doing anyway.

The Letters

2011-07-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

May as well start at the beginning…

Dear Mama,

I miss you so much. I miss you more than I thought was humanly possible. I remember your face because it’s like looking in the mirror and we have so many pictures around. But I don’t remember your voice anymore. This makes me sad. Just to hear you say my name once more. Just to hear you call me one of the many nicknames you had for me. I wish I could still hear you.

I have had some rough patches since you have been gone. There were many times that I cried myself to sleep wondering what you would tell me or even if I would have gotten myself in that situation if you would have been there.

I tried to make you proud while you were here. I tried to make things easier for you. I figured if I did all that I could to be perfect, things would be easier for you. I hope you are proud of me…I hope you are proud of what I have accomplished and what I am working on.

Your grandson…Lord, where do I begin. He is the light in my life. I know how you felt about us now since I have one of my own. I wish you could be here with him. I really wish he could have known you. I know you would have him even more spoiled. He is so smart. You would be so proud of him. And he is a clown. He would make you laugh so hard. He is the most handsome little boy that I have every seen…and he loves and takes care of his mama. He is truly my heart.

You would be so proud of the woman your baby girl is becoming. I thought for a minute I was going to have to hang her up in the tree but she seems to be getting herself together. She is now going to cosmetology school. She has been much happier since she figure out that she doesn’t have to try to be like me and do what I did education wise.

Sometime I just break down and cry because I miss you so much. You were a great mother. You sacrificed so we could have. Even during your not so good moments I know you were doing the best you could. Thank you for teaching me right from wrong so I could pass these values down to your grandson. I am doing the best I can to be the best mom I can for him. I know you never wanted me to go through what you did as a single mother but here I am. Things didn’t quite go the way I planned but I am making the best of it.

I love you. Thank you for being you. I know that you were not always confident in yourself but you always pushed and spoke greatness unto me. One of the things that I remember you always telling me was that I could do anything that I put my mind to do. You believed in me without fail. Now I am learning to believe in myself.

I will love you beyond my last breath,

Your daughter

200 Posts...Owwwwwwww!

2011-07-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry suckas...

2011-07-25T12:01:00.001-07:00

I really want to like men, I really do. I want to love my brothas but I just do not understand some of the ish yall do.

It's like yall have no concern for anyone other than yourselves. How and why would you say something to intentionally hurt some one that you have claimed to care about. I know we all say things in the heat of the moment but there are some lines that you just don't cross.

This right here...this crap right here keeps me single. I do not want to have my feelings and actions disregarded and thrown by the wayside. I am fighting so hard to get back or just to a place in my life and mind that does not reek with the stench of the past. A place where I no longer hear the echoes of the hurtful words that were said. I will not give anyone else permission to try to break me.

I woke up this morning...with a smile on my face.

2011-07-08T07:10:00.001-07:00

Man…these past couple of weeks have been rough for me mentally, spiritually, emotionally. It seems when you are trying to work hard to pull yourself in a new direction, the old stuff comes bubbling up. Maybe it is supposed to until it is truly resolved. I don’t know.

I do know that I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. Like I was saying in my Thankful post, I am a found a church online based out of California that I just love. One of my childhood friends that I reconnected with attends there. I can feel the love, acceptance and positivity streaming through the broadcast. This is a strange feeling for me. I feel the pull towards it and my mind says “STOP!!! This is weird. What if these people are not genuine and are like a cult”. My heart says AHHHH it feels good here. I love all of the positive thinking and love being spread. It’s a more spiritual than religious place. Maybe this is what I need because the religious guilt has always been so hard for me to overcome. But it still talks about God, I love that.

I think about the church and it’s principles in the middle of the day and I wish I could listen to them on my phone but I can’t. I have never felt like this.

I don’t know what to do about this resistance. Are these ppl telling me to send them my life savings and my first born…of course not. I am just going to go on with attending these online services and stick with the positivity in my mind. I am going to also keep doing my devotionals and praying.

Last night I got a little sign, I guess, that I am moving in the right direction in regards to my healing and thinking. I saw a recent photo of someone and the reaction that I had is not the one that I have had in the past or the one I thought I would have. I am healing and becoming stronger. When I finally see this person face to face again (and I know eventually I will) they will not be able to hurt me. CAN I GET A HAND CLAP FOR THIS ONE????

There are not many feelings like knowing that someone has the power to harm you mentally and emotionally, that they could crush you with a single glance. That is a frightening feeling. It’s terrifying.

Thankfully now I know that this I no longer possible.

Sisterhood...is it dead?

2011-07-06T15:21:00.001-07:00

I was having a convo with my bff last night about this older abrasive AA woman that is in her new class. This lady seemed to take offense to my friend even being in existence. The lady tried to challenge everything that my friend said. BFF seems to have the affect on older AA women. She is biracial and fair as fair can be with light brown hair and blue eyes. Black folks can tell that she is black but others are confused. I mention this because it seems to be why she gets so much tude. I have seen this numerous times, she she and I used to work retail together years ago. When she had an older AA female customer 8 times out of 10 the lady would get an attitude with her. Now if I was reading about this situation I would say well your friend must have a bad attitude but it is just the opposite. She is one of the nicest, most helpful people I know. She is truly my ride or die. Since we both have kids, we try to limit the hooriding. ;) Maybe people think she is being fake when she is just displaying good manners and being professional. You know what, I am not even going to say it b/c she is biracial because I have an example using myself. And it could just be the people here, there is a real small town mentality among our people here.

I am a generally quiet person. I learned to put it all the way to 10 during my stint in retail. It was my first job and I needed to work for my car note. I learned during this time that people are cool and I like being helpful so I didn't mind putting it to to. Generally I enjoyed my time there. Some AA women would have their tudes and roll their eyes but that made me just be sweeter. LOL, I would pour on my syrup and they would recoil.

I all bring this up to say...where are the women that want to nurture and help the ones younger than them? Do they want us to repeat the same mistakes that they made? Instead of being abrasive and having attitudes, where is the support and sisterhood?

So you may now want to ask me...what have I done to help those younger than me. Nothing...yet. I am hoping to use my role as a teacher to be a positive aspect in all students lives. I used to say that I wanted to do classes for young girls to teach them about loving themselves. I don't know where that thought went, I guess life just got in the way. I may need to revisit this...

I have been asking God to use me where he sees fit. Perhaps...

Thankful

2011-07-06T06:55:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for:

- Freedom!!! As corny as it sounds, I am glad that I am as a minority woman I am able to put my thoughts out into the universe. How wonderful is that! In many countries I would not be able to do this.

- The direction that my thinking seems to be moving in. I found a church service online out of California that I just love. More about this later. It is all about love and acceptance. The next time I get down to LA, I am going to make sure to go.

- My car isn’t overheating anymore. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that my car was overheating. Well I noticed that my air wasn’t staying cold after I just spend a lot on having it fixed. I can’t be out here in this desert without AC. So I noticed one day on my drive from the plantation that my car was indeed overheating. I pulled over to get some coolant and let it cool down. I got back in the car and prayed all the way to pick up my son. I had never had this happen before and my car is old do I was praying. I came home and started researching overheating cars while mine cooled down. I knew enough to NOT open the radiator cover while the car was still hot. During my research I found out about the reserve coolant area (remember this part). So I went out to the garage when the car was cool and opened the radiator cap which was in pieces. Ok so I figured that the pressure in the radiator was off and caused the car to overheat. I then located the reserve coolant compartment and the top was off and the compartment was bone dry!!! I have had my car serviced MANY times and this should have not been the case. So I put some coolant in it and screwed the top on TIGHT. I then figured out a plan with my tight time constraints to get the radiator cap and get Ty to school on time. I was able to get the cap and my car stopped overheating. I am especially thankful for this. Since I am on a major budget I research anything that is broken in my home or car first. So I can figure out if I can fix it and/or how much it is going to cost to fix. I have to be prepared.

I said I was going to do this every week but I missed last week due to a funky mood. Me no likey that. There is so much to be happy and thankful about.

No Fairytales

2011-07-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

I forgot how much I loved this song, even though I was a kid when it came out. The melody is just wow. I looked back over some of my old blogs last night and I was disturbed. I know that I have made some progress but I seem to be in the same mind frame as I have been for like 2 years...2 years. Uh, nah man this isn't working for me obviously. Not saying that this blog is going to turn into some extreme happy blinding sunshiny place because this is my therapy, where I go to jot down all of the stuff I feel that no one in my real life would want to hear. But some thangs gotta change...and quickly.

Happy 4th to you all!!!

2011-07-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

So im gonna do this 5 minute thing…I am sitting here tonight when I am child free wondering why im home. Where are my friends. I don’t have any I guess. When did this happen in real life I am not the miserable person I seem to be here. I have always been friends with people that I have worked with and now I work with the majority of old women and I like older women but I do not have anything in common with these ladies. So what happened to the friends? I have no idea. I have my bff and we will probably be friends until the end but she isn’t allowed to go out with me. The last time we went out it seemed to cause problems in her marriage because of the insecurity. When I get married my I want my hubby and I to both have outside interest. I cannot imagine being guilted and having blow out fights because because I go out with my friends.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

■Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.

■Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.

■Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.

■Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.

■Link up your post below.

■Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Caught in my chest

2011-06-28T11:54:00.001-07:00

I have always been different. Since the day I was born I was different.

Growing up I was constantly told how I was not like the other kids. Adults were amazed that they could hold a conversation with me like they were talking to another adult. Not like an annoying sassy think they're grown kid but just not like the conversations that you would have with an ordinary kid.

Starting school was sort of strange for me because I felt more comfortable with adults. I just didn't feel like I fit in. I was different.

I was different in terms of looks, I towered above my classmates and I was different in terms of abilities after being singled out for gifted classes. This news spread around the hood and I was looked at as being even more different. I was already singled out because I wore corduroy slacks, loafers and vests, skirts, patent leather and lace to school. This was the 80s and I think crack took alot of folks' common sense and sense of pride in taking care of their children away so I was an anomaly of sorts due to this...and my quiet nature.

People, kids in general, tend to lash out at what they don't understand. I was called stuck up, ugly among hurtful other things. This isn't fun for a kid. So with my small set of friends I was cool but for everyone else I turned to ice. I perfected my glare and stare down. I gave that yeah I'm smart but I will whoop you within an inch of your life meanness and if you feel froggy, jump attitude. No one ever jumped. Folks would talk about me behind my back and then be messy and say so and so said but since no one approached me with the rah rah I didn't have to fight. I also knew my mom would not be too keen with me getting in trouble even if I was defending myself.

Puberty hit...things sprouted...boys and some men noticed. This made me waaaaaaaaaay uncomfortable. I didn't know how to respond to this so I after I figured out that they only wanted one thing, I retreated into myself with my thoughts. I'm not sure that my mom noticed how quiet and reserved I got. Perhaps she figured it was just normal teenage behavior and maybe it was but I just know about me and my thoughts and feelings during this time.

The past few years I have been struggling...trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out where I am now and how did I get here. Outside stuff became more important and I lost who I was.

I don't have to keep up with what the next person is doing. I don't have to wear with the next person is wearing...I just have to be comfortable in my skin.

Thankful...

2011-06-20T04:30:00.000-07:00

I am thankful that:

- I was able to turn off the sprinkler pipe in my yard b/c it’s cracked and have been leaking only God knows how long

- The whole pipe didn’t break and flood the yard

- My child’s behavior has leveled out for now. I read one of my blogs from November and I was ready to put on the curb (not really)

- My son will be 6 soon. I cannot believe that I have a SIX YEAR OLD.

I am going to do this on a weekly basis. I want to slowly turn the tide of this blog as I turn the tide in my life.

It is what it is

2011-06-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

I really wasn't thinking about father's day. I rarely do. Maybe my dream and thoughts of my son's dad had something to do with this day approaching. I don't know.

Anyway, all of this talk today about father's day makes me think about the relationship I have with my dad. There isn't one. I don't want one. There is no longer a hole in my life where a father should have been. I don't know when it closed but it is closed. I can't miss what I have never had.

I am bothered by the fact that he thinks he can be "dad" when he was absent most of my life. That isn't his place. I don't know his favorite color or food. I don't know if he is allergic to anything. I don't even remember if he is left or right handed. So he can't jump right into the dad role when I don't even know the basic things about him, nor does he know these things about me.

I could tell him all of these thing but honestly trying with him takes too much effort. If I don't feel anything missing in my life, why would I want to make the effort. I could do it for him but I am reeeeeeeal tired of doing things that I don't want to do. I spend too many years living the way my mom or grandmother expected of me and I am done.

My acceptance of BS in my relationship with men was modeled after him. He has always been in and out, back and forth. That is the way that my relationships went. That's how I spent 11 years holding on to something that wasn't solid in the first place.

Dreaming...

2011-06-15T10:24:00.003-07:00

My night started off pretty crappy when I realized that my internet at home would not work. I tried all through the night to get it going to no avail. I think it's an router issue but I have been wanting to change providers anyway so I will just do it now. I ended up folding clothes in between my trials and I went to sleep at about 11:30 or 12. Then I started dreaming...

I dreamed about my son's dad. (Blah) In this dream he apologized about everything that he did and he wanted a chance to be in the boys' lives. Oh yeah, I had another son. He came to their school and talked to me. Once I gave him the ok, he approached them. Ty(my IRL son) was like, "Mom, who is this dude?" I told him, "That is your dad" and then they started to play together. My other son had to warm up to him. I didn't even know that he was there for most of the dream. Also in the dream we were moving and when I told the dad that we were moving, he said that he was moving too so he could be close to the boys. I also remember being in a car with him driving through the mountains.

This was one of those dreams that you wake up tired from because you really feel the emotions. I remember feeling that I really hoped that he changed his ways because I secretly in my heart of hearts wanted another chance for the family that I always wanted. I also felt and believed that he really had changed because he displayed one emotion that I had never see him display...humility. He came back into the picture humbly. He was finally who I had always known he could be. IRL, to my knowledge there is not a humble bone in this man's body. On the inside he is broken and empty but he outwardly acts like he is all that and can't be touched.

I woke up numerous times and every time I went back to sleep, the dream continued. I was trapped in this dream, trapped feeling these feelings.

I finally woke up for the day and I was tired and upset. I was upset that he had invaded my dreams so vividly. Then I was upset that I was upset by this dream. I have been trying to figure out why this dream bothered me so. I think the fact that he was the man that I always believed he could be and that I wanted to be back with him.

In reality, the moment I found out about his betrayal, I stopped wanting to be with him. Yes, I hurt, I hated him and it took me some time to stop loving him but eventually I did. I know that I am not hurt for myself anymore but I am hurt for my boy when he asks if he has a dad. I know I am still pissed at him abandoning my son but I honestly believe that it has been for the best.

I have been encountering the message of "forgiveness" a lot lately. And I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to forgive this man, I have come up with nothing. It is still at the point that I would not spit on him if he was on fire. This isn't good. I don't want to live with this in my heart anymore.

Not gonna let myself want you

2011-06-09T14:45:00.001-07:00

"If you don't want me, I am not going to let myself want you" ----Op.ra.h

I remember when I heard her say this and I was like YES!!! This is how I feel about people in general. But to live by this creed, you have to be guarded all the time.

But...Is this any way to live?

I really want to enjoy people without feeling like I have to be on guard all the time, waiting for them to figure out that they don't want to be around.

Those Blue Eyes

2011-06-09T10:39:00.001-07:00

I look up and see this set of haunting blue eyes coming towards me. I feel a little jolt because those eyes looked like they were on a mission. I come back to my senses and realize who those eyes belonged to. Wow. His eyes look really blue today. It must be because of the blue shirt he is wearing. They usually look green.

I see him pretty frequently and he always checks me out. Sometimes he blatantly stares and sometimes it's just a glance. Sometimes when I catch him looking he will look away and sometimes he just keeps on looking.

I will admit that most of the time he looks at me, I look away. Those eyes make me really uneasy. Because I know that I could easily get lost in them.

Our big day...the first of many

2011-06-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

This is it!! Today is the day!! My baby boy is graduating from Kindergarten today! I am so excited that I could burst.

I know that he is not the first kid to graduate and it’s only kindergarten but this represents so much more to me.

I have been reading on the blogs and such that it takes a father to teach a boy to be a man. I understand this way of thinking. I know that I am not a man so there are things that I cannot teach my son. And it pisses me off because I have no choice in the matter. I am it. I am the one who is there day in and day out and nights to making sure that all is done for my son. I never want him to have to worry about the lights being turned off or having only enough food for him to eat. Because you know what, even at almost 6 he wouldn’t eat it all. He would try to share with me.

I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy with my son. Everything went as it should but I couldn’t enjoy it. I was too busy trying to keep his father happy because I did not think or want to raise this child alone. Sadly, the first 2 years or my son’s life was spent with me thinking that I could not raise him alone. I had to keep the “family” together. Well you know what happened. It didn’t stay together and daddy dear disappeared when he could not have it all his way.

It has been hard but I changed my focus. I know that I am all my son has so I do what I have to do for him. Thankfully we have my family including his god parents that pitch in when I need help.

So this day represents more than my son leaving kindergarten. It represents that I am doing the best I can for my son and my best is good enough. He is a kind, intelligent, funny boy and I am SO PROUD to be his mom.

I thought I was ready...

2011-06-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

I thought I was ready...I ain't ready
I thought that when I came face to face with him again I would be ok.
I'm a different person now,
I'm stronger,
I'm braver.
I know who I am
He can't hurt me anymore
I didn't even see his face and I'm sitting here stunned
sick to my stomach and shaking.
To think that I share the same space with him
brings all of the vile memories back to the surface
The fear, the worry...the panic

All I can do is shake my head and try not to cry...

2011-05-27T16:05:00.001-07:00

I spent so much of my life staying what I was not going to do. I guess I saw so many people just talking out the sides of their mouths and nothing ever happened that I did not want to be like that. I never learned the practice of speaking what you want into existence. I guess I have always been afraid to speak my dreams because how would I look if they did not happen.

Well I am ready to speak. (In no particular order...)

I will to visit Texas next year
I will move to the south within the next 5 years
I will have a loving, truthful, supportive, God Filled marriage
My son will be an independent and successful member of society

And I will keep speaking. More to come...

2011-05-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

I don't want to just run...I want to fly.

The Questions We Ask Ourselves

2011-05-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I have just been thinking. Not too much but enough to start getting to the bottom of things...which means starting at the beginning.

My family came to the "big city" from a small southern town. Out of my immediate family I was the first one born here. I am finding that this is the case for many of the folks that I know and come in contact with that were born here. Even though they lived in the big city, our families still have the small town mentality. There whole goal was to get out of that town, they did it and they are content. This mentality of being content with this was passed down to their kids. This is a horrible cycle b/c I see this happening with kids my son's age. Well I am not content with my life here right now.

I posed some questions yesterday that were more to get me thinking but I am glad that others answered them also. (BTW, I love that I have encountered people that actually think.) I asked: Are you happy with your life right now? If not now, when will you start? How will you get there? I need to answer these questions.

Are you happy with your life right now?
I am doing what I can in regards to career. I just have to be patient and work hard until the finish. But in general I am not happy with my life in regards to location. If I could do anything and be anywhere I would live in a city that is rich in culture and not far away from the beach. I definitely believe in the relaxing and healing properties of water. I feel like I need to be near it. I feel like a fish gasping for air. I want to spend my nights and weekends seeing exhibits or going to fairs or at my son's games. I want to be able to drive to other cities to visit and see the history displayed there. I want my house to be neat and smell warm and sweet. I want it to be a place of release and happiness. Right now, I am not there enough. I am there to sleep and occasionally eat. I am either at work, visiting schools, driving or at my grandmother's house.

Am I happy with my life relationship wise?
I have not been in a relationship for three years and I have gone on 1 date. He was cool but there was no spark. Later I found out things about him that made me happy that I trusted my instincts. I know that right now I do not have the time to be an active participant in the building and nurturing of a relationship. For the most part I am ok with that. I do miss having a male presence in my life though. I miss the talking and laughing. I would like a friend to talk to and go to an occasional movie and dinner with. That's about all I can handle right now. I don't know if that is even possible these days. Everyone seems to be on the look out for "friends" not friends.

I am happy that I was able to think this far. I will answer those other questions in a latter post. I bounce ideas around in my own head not off of any one so sometimes things are slow going. Sorry if it seems as if I am lementing over the same things over and over again but this is my method until I really get it. How did I get to the point where I have no one to share my deepest feelings with or bounce ideas off of...hmmmm.

When I get quiet...

2011-05-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

I have been really contemplative lately. I think this is a good thing. To me it means that I am beginning to shake the scattered feeling and think and pray like I should.

When I am feeling this anxious and scattered feeling I turn in on myself. I get really quiet when I want to be anything but. I don’t want to bother anyone with my issues and thoughts so I don’t really talk to anyone. Why do I do this when what I really NEED is to talk to someone?

I am not gonna lie and say that I don’t look back at my past relationships and think about how my lack of expression may have played a part in their demise.

When I think that any of my friends are going through something I ask if they need to talk. I am a good listener. When I ask if they need to talk, I really mean it. I don’t mind at all. Why can’t I feel that I ask someone when I need to talk? Why do I not feel comfortable asking for someone to listen to me? Why do I feel like a bother to others?

I need OUT of this place!!!

2011-05-11T06:59:00.001-07:00

I am so ready to move. I want to get the heck out of dodge. I have lived in this place my whole life. Part of me wants to get out and explore. I feel like my heart is telling me to go somewhere else.

What keeps me here you may ask? My family. Mainly my grandmother and my sister. It seems that ever since my mom died I have been the one to keep the family going. I am the one to read and explain everything, give my opinion on what should be done, etc. My grandmother is not leaving this town. I made mention to her that she should move to her home town with her sister. My aunt is now living alone since their mother, my great grandmother died about 2 years ago. She says that she wishes that she could. Maybe the fact that my mother is buried here, is keeping her here. This is so hard for me because my heart longs for another place. I feel trapped. And another issue that I may have to move after I am finished with school due to lack of teaching jobs.

I am so conflicted when thinking about this because it seems like a wish that won’t happen. I am afraid to pray for relocation because I do not see how this can happen without something happening to my family.

I am supposed to be making a plan anyway but I just cannot get started without becoming very overwhelmed.

SIGH

I just needed to get this out.

SO PROUD!!!

2011-05-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

I cannot even begin to contain my excitement. When I think about my baby graduating kindergarten, I just beam with pride. My eyes get tinier than they already are and my big smile becomes even bigger.

My son was chosen to say a speech at graduation...in French. When he told me I think I got misty. I hugged him so tight and told him how proud of him I was. He has been pulled out of class for practice and told me that he got to speak on the microphone. He thought that was so cool. He has also been telling me how nervous he is. I have been trying to reassure him that as long as he does his best I would be so very proud of him. I am proud that he was picked.

This first school year has been a roller coaster for us. I remember how I was dang near panicked everyday for those first few weeks. He has been a good student with minimal issues. The issues that did crop up were handled between his teacher and I promptly. I am so thankful for his teacher. She is a great lady that loves my boy and sees how sweet and intelligent he is. I am so glad that his original teacher was switched to another grade due to grade reorganization. God works all things out for the best.

I am praying that is just the beginning of a wonderful educational experience for him. I think how far I have come from my beginnings and the opportunities that I was given because I was a good student. I remember one of my aunts was surprised when I said I was going to college. There was no other choice in my mind. My mom went to Southern University (S U!) but did not graduate. I knew that I was going to college before I entered kindergarten. She made that very clear...crystal in fact. I hope that I am instilling how important education is to my son.

BIG SMILE!!!!!

Strength

2011-05-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

Strength.

I am going to take a page from my favorite Oldgirl, Ladylee, and look up the definition.

strength (str ngkth, str ngth, str nth)

n.

1. The state, property, or quality of being strong.

2. The power to resist attack; impregnability.

3. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.

4. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.

5. Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.

People always make the comment that I am so strong. When anyone lists my attributes, this is at the top of the list. I have heard this throughout my life especially in the past 10 years. And I get sick of it.

How do they know how strong I am. They don’t know how much pain I am in at any given time. They only see what is external. They can’t see what is going on inside.

Many times I do not feel strong. I feel weak and small and pained.

One of my twit.ter sisters helped me see something. I was really upset and discouraged after another big expense popped up with my sister’s car. I made a remark about people always thinking that I’m strong. She helped me see that strength is not handling business with the absence of pain but handling business in spite of the pain. I told her that I just do what needs to be done. She told me that that is what strength is. I had to really think about it. That is the 3rd definition above: The power to resist strain or stress; durability.

I needed to comprehend this because I can finally give myself permission to hurt. It does not diminish me in any way. I can be in pain but still be strong. Or I can be strong while in the midst of not feeling my best.

Thanks For My Child

2011-04-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

Someone posted this video on FB today. I had not heard it is soooooo long definitely not since I had my son. I am so thankful for my little stinker. He is my heart and keeps life really interesting.

I'm ready...

2011-04-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I admitted on twi.ter that I missed having a man around. *sigh*

I do miss male energy around me. I miss the talking and laughing. I miss the glances and smiles.

From what I hear in the streets…men and women do not have friendships these days. Really??

I think all good relationships should start as a friendship so how dey do dat dere??

Bottom line is that I am ready to let a male energy back into my life.

A Valuable Lesson...

2011-04-27T10:02:00.001-07:00

This past weekend I went out with my friends to celebrate my birthday. Yeah I believe in celebrating for as long as I can. We ended up going to this spot that is a restaurant by day and a club by night. I set out wanting to go somewhere that had a grown folk vibe. From the people that told me about this place, I thought this was it. EHHHHH! Wrong answer. We get there and there are all these kids. Of course they were not kids because they had to be over 21 but to me…they were kids. We weren’t going to leave b/c it took us hours to get there thanks to an argument with my bff and her hubby. That is a tale for another time. I feel sorry for these boys coming up today because these chicks do not know how to keep themselves up. There were bellies and ill shaped breasteses hanging out all everywhere. Yuck.

The last time I went to a club was umpteen years ago. And when I went I always felt out of place. Either I felt insecure because of feeling like I was the fat girl in the club or I felt too tall in my heels. It was always something. Even when I went to my ex’s club and I was VIP, something just felt off.

It is wonderful to be able to gauge your progress with things. It is so strange for this trip out to be the thing that has let me know how far I have come in regards to how I feel about myself. I was surrounded by all of these youngstas but they were not my concern. I was comfortable with myself so I had a good time. I wore an off the shoulder shirt that was out of my comfort zone but I looked good and I loved it.

I have always been the quiet shy girl then woman who felt like I didn’t fit in. I may not fit in anyone’s box but I fit in my skin by just being who I am. And finally I am starting to like who I am.

Where am I...

2011-04-19T14:08:00.001-07:00

I lost myself...but did I ever really know me?

For many years in my life I was truly my mother's daughter. I did things because they made her proud and didn't do things because they would bring her shame. I lived to please my mom. When I was teetering on the brink of doing something that may not turn out as she would like, you should have seen the depths of anxiety I was thrown in. It was torture!!! Then she passed and I was thrown into the role of caretaker for my sister and grandmother. The time when I should have been figuring myself out was spent with parent teacher conferences and school shopping for my sister and doctors visits and hospital stays for my grandmother. The ex was my escape from all of this. He was the person I could be a little of myself with. I wasn't looking to take care of him but if the slot was not filled with my family, he would have happily slid right in. Then I had my son and he became my priority, as he should be BUT, I should share in the title. How can I care for EVERYone when I am barely making it. I am getting burned out on all this "other" stuff. My shoulders are tired of carrying all this weight.

I had to get the the root of what has been bugging me lately and why I strongly feel the need to run far away. I remember telling someone that I just want to be free. I think this is what I mean but couldn't find the words for then. I have been praying to get to the bottom of these disgruntled feelings that I have been having. Now I need a plan.

Thankful.

2011-04-12T11:33:00.001-07:00

Thank you for the wonderful birthday wishes and prayers. I was missing my mommy and I just needed to cry it out. after that I had a great day. I was truly loved up on. At work my cube was (is still) decorated. My grandmother made me a birthday dinner, my lil sis cooked a cake, my uncle got the ice cream and my baby was so marvelously sweet and loving. He actually kept the secret about my dinner and was paid handsomely (a dollar) by my sister for it. I may have woken up feeling alone but I went to sleep feeling very loved.

Daddy Issues

2011-04-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

Daddy issues...

I think I have them and I do not want them. He called me twice yesterday and I didn't answer either time. My dad and I began to get close after my mom passed and it was ok but I usually dreaded when he came by. It was a forced conversation on my part. He's aight but he is not one of my favorite people. Then I bought my house and I heard from him more than ever. He was calling to check up on my son and I, seeing if I needed the number to a yard man, etc. All of this just happened to coincide with him getting laid off from his job due to the economy here and his getting a divorce from his umpteenth wife. I have been able to recognize the similarities in my dad and my son's dad. They both seem to be users that move from one woman to the next that is willing to take care of them. I have known my son's dad since I was 17 and he was 16 so I truly got to see how he operated. I was blind to the fact that he would do these things to me too. I recognized these traits in my dad when I thought back to some of the things that my parents told me separately about their relationship and the things that I have witnessed myself. He knows about his ratchness in the past and thinks that because he is a deacon and so active in the church, it's all water under the bridge. Welllll dude I can see how you are still operating and I do not want this man in my life. I do not want my son to see this and grow up thinking that this behavior is on. Most of all ole dude thinks that he is going to swoop in and be daddy. He hasn't been there and it does not even feel authentic. When he should have been there he wasn't. I have worked out my life without a father in it. There is not room...

Daddies be there from the beginning. Do not expect room to be made for you later.

It's my birthday....

2011-04-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

At 6:18am on this very date 33 years ago I was born. I have been feeling kind of strange and scattered lately. I have been going through this ever since my mom passed around my birthday. This is one of the times of the year that I feel her absence the most. My mom really celebrated my birthday. Even the little time I had with her as an adult, she still made my birthday special.

Because of these feelings, my actual birthday has been kind of blah. But I am still so thankful. I have come a loooooong way even in just a year. My faith and relationship with God is stronger than it was last year. I am eating better and moving more.

Three years ago on my birthday I was crying and devastated over the crap that happened with my son’s dad. I went out and cut most of my hair off. I went to that salon looking so damn pitiful. It was the beginning of my process of hiding. I tried my hardest to become damn near invisible.

I know how blessed I am that I was able to get out with my life. I cannot even begin to imagine my life or my son’s life if he was in it right now.

This post did not take the celebratory tone that I wanted it to. I guess I can’t fake it today. I know all these things are true but I am just not feeling it at this moment. Sorry…

2011-03-24T20:35:00.001-07:00

Back To Life

2011-03-11T14:07:00.001-08:00

Where have I been and what have I been doing??

I have been doing the same ole thang. Raising the boy, working and going to school. This is my last week of this class that has been a big pain in my tookus. Hopefully my next class is not so intense and I can catch my breath.

There is one exciting thing going on...I have lost 7 pounds!!! It may not be a lot but I have to start somewhere. I am so excited. I have been eating a lot of veggies and lean meat. I am trying to work in the fruits but I don't particularly like fruit. Well I don't like the preparation and general stickiness of fruit so I will have to figure something out.

I have also started exercising. I have a game that I do on w.i.i. that is slowly becoming my favorite. I am starting off slow but I am making progress.

I have always been an all or nothing type of girl. I need to go run a marathon everyday and hit all the weights I can or do nothing at all. Eat nothing but organic fruits and veggies grown with the spring water of the himalayas or nothing at all. Maybe this was just an internal excuse to never begin. I just know now that I am doing what I can right now and it is working.

I have even gotten a could of looks lately. #Owwwww I have some pep in my steps and a skip in my hips!!!

I am just feeling good and in a very good place right now. And like someone told me I am going to enjoy every drop of it!!!

Go on in the room, girl.

2011-03-01T07:03:00.001-08:00

I have this room in my house that is full of boxes from when I moved here. I have been in my house for 2 years so that is kind of depressing it its self. I have gone in that room to organize and purge but I haven’t ever really got it done.

Sunday I wasn’t feeling good. I had a headache that would come and go no matter how much water I drank or what little meds I took. (I really hate to take meds for a headache. If anyone has any natural remedies, hit me up). I think for the most part I was just irritated and tired but could not go to sleep. Ty was bugging me so I put him to works since he was so bored. I gave homeboy the vacuum and when he was done with that I put him to work folding his towels and socks. While he was doing that I decided to put in some work in this room. I finally have a vision for this room, more on that later. So I go in here and begin going through stuff and deciding what to put in the garage and what stays inside. I grab my old journals and start to look through them. I read and read and laugh. I keep reading and say “oh girl you were a dumb ass”. I read and “say awww, I miss my mommy”. The point here is I kept reading through all the bad and the good. There were so many times that I tried to read them or go through this stuff and I could not, the memories were just too painful. Did I still cringe at some of the things I read, yes? But I could also read some things that I wrote about my son’s dad and actually smile and laugh. That is so big for me. THAT IS SO BIG FOR ME!!!!

I am delighted that I have made this progress. I know God is preparing me for something and I will be ready when it occurs. I will not be weak, cower and bend in fear. Progress feels amazing!!!

He said what???

2011-02-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

Ok...so I was watching TV with Tyler, it was on Nick and a Big Time Rush video came on. Tyler says" Oh Mom, it's Big Time Rush and let me show you who Snoop Dog is".

*side eye*

What the what!??!?!

I see so much clearer...

2011-02-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

Hey blogland friends...

This will be a random update or a quick succession of posts if I get long winded.

When I put out the call for someone to read Proverbs with I ended up with FIVE patnahs!! Yall don't know how excited I was to even have 1 but I ended up with 5. I was OVERJOYED! We go through a chapter a day and break it down how we see it. It has been such a blessing to fellowship with these ladies reading the Word. They may see things that I don't and vice versa so it works perfectly. And I can see so many things clearer now. I can see how God is bringing favor upon my life because I am doing my part. I am so thankful!!! My coworker said that I was glowing the other day.

Things that I said I wanted to do are coming into my life. I am eating better and drinking more water. My job is working with me so I can complete my degree, not monetarily but by allowing me to be flexible with my time. I am seeing the Word and receiving His message in so many places. God is just placing tools in my path left and right. I am happy for this. Small things that would normally irritate the cheese (that's for LadyLee) out of me have not even been ruffling my feathers. All is not perfect but it is so much better than it was.

Baby, I'm a Firework!!

2011-01-30T23:37:00.000-08:00

I was watching BBW(all of you Sunday night TVaholics know that that is) last night and I was amazed that Evil(Evelyn) of Mean and Evil has a nearly grown daughter. I knew she has this daughter but to actually see her was another thing. This made me feel some kinda way because the chick is not much older than me. I have been in a MAAAAAAJOR funk, blues or whatever you want call it for a long time now. I guess I let the situation affect me in more ways than I really realized.

I do not have many friends and the friends I do have are married with kids and are too married to have Girls Night Out every once in a while. I had been thinking that I needed some nice single women friends with good heads on their shoulders. Within the past month or two I have expanded my Twit-circle and I did not expect to come in contact with such wonderful people. I am truly inspired by these women who are moms, wives, full time working in the work place and at home, side hustle starting, future NewYorkTimesBestSellers, etc, etc, etc. Man these are some awesome ladies that are inspiring me and they don’t even know it. It may not happen overnight but I am going to step my game up physically, mentally and spiritually. I am going to work on my makeup, hair and clothes. I have been real drab of late, real old lady like. I am also going to find so events to go to even if I have to go alone. I just want to be out and live life not have it pass me by because I am too this or too that. This will be fun. I never really listened to the words to this song until last week. It will be my spring anthem.

My Favorite Lyrics:
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

On to the next...

2011-01-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

Are y'all tired of me bumming y'all out? *head nods all around* Me too. So on to something else. I finished my vision board and if I must say so myself, it is lover-ly. I love it. I wanted to do a real live cut and paste board but I haven't been reading any mags so I had no idea what kind of pics I wanted. I heard from one of my peeps in Twi.tterland about the ones on the Op.rah website. I remember I did one a couple of years back but I don't think I ever finished it. So without further a due...here is my vision for 2011.

Click to enlarge

I am so in love with these visions...it is truly giving me life.

I have Positivity and NO FEAR in the center because I believe these things will change my life. I need to keep positive thoughts all around me to keep the fear far far away.

The scriptures that are posted are scriptures that are speaking to me right now. The one from Proverbs is the one that I an trying so hard to live my life by but it is so hard. I analyze and analyze backtrack and then analyze again. I need to just stop it let God handle it and go to him what my questions and trust that he will answer. The scripture from Ephesians...it just like come on! Exceedingly Abundantly!!! I need to realize that I am worthy of that. I have to forgive myself for my past transgressions. He has always forgiven me. I have to work on that within myself.

Quiet time, prayer and reading my bible: This is something that is needed in my life and when I have it I feel calm and centered. It is a necessity. I didn't finish reading Proverbs, blah. I think I get to Ch 6 for reading and only journalled to Ch 3. If anyone wants a reading pat'nah, let me know. I am gonna pick it back up though.

Heathly food, activity for my body and drinking water: I will be 33 on my birthday in April and I need to take better care of my body. I want to be around to torment my great grandchildren so... And also there are so many people in my family that have experienced all of these diseases that seem to be taking us out. I don't want that. I have been drinking more water lately and I feel the effects. Please notice that I did not write "exercise". I think this work has an ill effect on my thinking. I think activity is better for me. I have been wearing out that MJ game. It may not be this conventional way but hey I end up drenched in sweat.

There are some other things on there about school and my career and of course saving money. I really need to do this since I will be out of a job in a year while I student teach.

The last one that I will discuss here is "Be Purposeful in my relationship with my Son". I think I have just been a go with the flow type of mom. In some ways this is good but I think I need a plan for him and for our family. I know that I want to be successful so he never has to worry a day in his life about clothes or food or having the things that he needs for his extra curricular activities. I also want him to be an intelligent, successful, respectable man in society. I want so much for him and I want to instill the values in him that he will want and have confidence in wanting things for himself. I believe that God blessed me with this child in particular for a reason.

So that is my vision for 2011. Now, on to the next...

Preach on Preacha!!!

2011-01-21T07:57:00.000-08:00

I just heard this on the radio:

"I thank God that I am where I am and not where I used to be."

Amen, amen!!!

Emotionless

2011-01-21T06:57:00.001-08:00

I am emotionless at times...

In my family you were not to cry. I only remember my mom only crying when she was diagnosed with cancer. I do not ever remember my grandmother crying as I was growing up. I haven’t even seen my sister cry regarding my mom’s death and my mom died when she was 12. I know everyone deals with things differently but showing emotion is human. We show happiness and definitely show anger but sadness not really. I suppose this is where I equated crying with weakness. Also growing up being teased for being too dark…smart…skinny (I was skinny then…lol), the cardinal rule was to never let those kids see you cry. Maybe it is the history of the women in my family, we cry behind closed doors when no one is watching. I’m not saying to be a blubbering mess to everyone you see but crying is human…to express is to be human right?

So then I meet a boy who was taught not to have emotions either. His emotions were probably beat out of him at an early age. He was taught to intimidate by any means necessary. I started to feel emotions towards him…I wanted to express them. He was uncomfortable so he shut down…so eventually I shut down too. I shut down for because I was afraid of being rejected once again. You love this person so you want to touch them but when your touch is constantly brushed off it starts to take a toll on the essence of who you are…or were. It breaks you down….just being touched when he wants something. You become a shell of yourself. You look in the mirror and see vacancy…or you see him. His rage, his emptiness. Then after years and years of this he says “You never talk to me, you never tell me how you feel”. Huh…ain’t this some ish. Dude, really?!? You wouldn’t even let me chew gum so how am I supposed to tell you my feelings. I tried and you recoiled.

So…I experienced many bouts of depression while in school getting my psych degree. Once my friend talked me into going to see someone at the school’s counseling center, I learned that my body needed a release of emotions. Funny that they never teach you in school that your mental has a response to stress too. You always hear what it could do to your body but hardly even hear what it could do to your mind.

Lately I have been feeling like I need to cry. Usually I get one good cry, I mean ugly sobbing cry, in a month but my cries have been stifled. Don’t know why…I guess it will come when it is time.

Eh...

2011-01-20T06:53:00.001-08:00

January and February sometimes into March are dark months for me. Coming off of the Holidays and my mom’s birthday has ya girl kind of deflated. Then there is this depression thing that tries to rear its ugly head and attack me. It like it’s always peeking around the corner to see if there is a weak point where it can jump on my back. This is the part of me that is hidden far away from people. I basically suffer in silence. I do not tell anyone when I start to feel this way because they look at me like O_o since there is nothing they can really do to help or at least that is how they perceive it. “Oh cheer up” they say. That is really like telling someone who is walking waist deep in mud to hurry up. So I am really trying to do the things I know that help. I am eating better, not perfect but better. I am moving more and drinking more water. I am also keeping my mind busy.

Anyway…this post was not supposed to be about that but maybe it will help to express it.

Thanks to some wise ladies that read my blog I understand that beating myself up for past transgressions is not the business. I am to use the past to make sure it does not happen again and I have been successful up to a point. I actually bypassed a guy that my friend thought was so good for me by trusting my gut. It came out later that homeboy was $50,000 delinquent in paying child support. I can’t balk because a dude has a kid or kids(I have a limit) but I can’t be with a man that is not providing for his own. If he can’t take care of his blood what in the hell can he really do for me and mine…not a damn thing. I have also let the past change me in not so positive ways.

It took me a looooong while to realize that I had been abused. I thought because he wasn’t busting me in the face it wasn’t abuse. Well emotional and mental abuse is real. He used my then issues and used them to keep me where he wanted me. And I am suffering the after effects of insecurity and anxiety. The thought that I am somehow emotionally damaged because I am afraid of letting any man get too close. I think I use the “I am working on me” as a crutch to not let anyone in. There I said it. I really am working on me but that does not mean that I cannot go out and meet people. I don’t know where this is going…I am just frustrated to still be dealing with this mess so long after the event.

I don’t have anything else to say right now…

Happy Birthday Mommy!

2011-01-13T10:51:00.001-08:00

Today would have been my mother's 57th birthday. It is amazing to think about how the world has changed since she has been gone. There were no s.ma.rt pho.nes or FB and Twi.tter. When she passed I still had dial up internet. There was no Real Hou.sewi.ves of Wherever or shows showcasing the sheer ignorance of This or That Sports Wives.
*sigh*
There was no grandbaby to spoil. I think that's what gets to me the most, that she never got to meet her grandson. He would have loved her and she would have spoiled him rotten. I know that they would have had the most awesome bond. I told him today that today was his Granny's birthday. He asked was she going to come from heaven to come see us. He is so sweet.

She would have been the flyyest grandma. She was so tall and beautiful. She looked regal with her beautiful chocolate skin and the pinks and purples she blended seamlessly around her eyes. She gave an aura of intelligence and confidence that made people flock to her. Most people that she came in contact with loved her and if they didn't it was because of an internal issue within them.

She had a smile and laugh that would light up a room. I got my smile from her and passed it down to my beloved. I see that same sparkle that was ever present in her eyes in his. That makes me happier than any one could ever know.

I've been through some ish since Mom's been gone but she is always in my heart and in the back of my mind telling me to keep on. Keep on pushing, keep on fighting. Even in my darkest of times, I know that I will. I will keep on pushing and fighting. I will live the life that she couldn't live because she was taken away from us. I will...

Loving you always Mommy,

Your Oldest Baby.

My Mantra

2011-01-05T23:40:00.000-08:00

"Go to the edge of the cliff and jump off. Build your wings on the way down." ~~~ Ray Bradbury

What I have learned in 2010

2010-12-31T10:06:00.001-08:00

I have learned so much about myself in 2010. I learned that I am me and that is fine. Who I am is just who I am supposed to me. I am a good person, I am an intelligent person. I can do just what I decide to do. If I can dream it, I can do it. I can be proud of myself. I do not have to wait on anyone else to be proud of me.

There are ebbs and flows in life and I am allowed to ebb and flow in my feelings. Everything is not all or nothing. I have finally freed myself to progress at my pace.

So in 2011…

I will continue to become more confident in myself. I will not let fear keep standing in my way. I am tired of being afraid. I will let MY light SHINE and those who don’t like it can KICK.ROCKS. I WILL BE MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

It seems that I communicate with you all online more than I do with my friends “in real life”. You guys see the good and the bad. I appreciate you being there with the supportive comments. I appreciate it more that you will ever know.

Here’s to an awesome 2011!

Brainiacs...brainiacs on the run...

2010-12-23T13:51:00.001-08:00

School, school and more school. That is what has been going on on this show lately. I am so glad that it is winter break from school right now for the both of us. I really wish that I was on break from work too. In time I will be. Yay...

I went to a parent-student-teacher conference before the break. This was the first one of the year. I thought that this was odd because I remember my mom attending conferences in October. Apparently the school system is now on a trimester system which makes sense I guess.

So the only time that I have talked with my son's teacher was briefly in the hall as I was leaving and she was arriving at school. It was a good introduction but I was so ready for the nitty gritty. He has not had any problems, he has been progressing wonderfully and still learning so I did not see the need for to request a conference.

He received his report card the previous week and it was stellar. He knows all of the requirements that he is supposed to know for Kinder. Honestly he knew many of them before he started school thanks to Mommy Preschool. He also received a glowing report from his French teacher. He participates and seems to enjoy French class according to her. I knew he enjoyed the class because he is always introducing French words into our conversations and completely throwing me for a loop. He is also a pleasure to have in class. I was happy to hear this because sometimes homeboy can be off the hook at home.

So on to the conference. I will admit that I was nervous. I attended conferences with my sister when my mom was too ill and after she passed but that was a while ago. It seems that when my child walks into his classroom he turns into someone else. She told me that she has not had any behavior issues out of him. I was like O_O He came home with a card about talking one time and she has to tell him to slow down when it's time to get in line. That's it. She also showed me his reading test scores and he got 100 percents on all 3 parts. He even got a 100% on a concept that had not been covered in class yet. She also showed me some of his work. He is making sentences. One of theme was "I like Mom". That made me happy. There was also an award for the students that most exemplify that characteristics of Dr. MLK and she nominated my son. He did not win but that's ok. I feel like this is just the beginning for my boy. I know that I have a long way to go but I am thinking of the push I need to maintain for him to be an outstanding student and man in general. I am still beaming about this.

I know now that it was for the best that his class got another teacher. I like this teacher alot. She seems to love teaching kinder. She gets my respect for that because I don't think I could do it. She has a really good attitude about the students and likes my boy alot. My sister tells me how she sees her out playing with the kids at recess. She appreciates that me and the family work so much with him academically.

School is going fine for me. I had to take the first of my professional exams and I passed the reading and math. I am still waiting on the writing scores. I am not even playing, I was sweating bullets when I was going over the study guide. I sometimes get test anxiety bad so I was starting to panic. I calmed down with the help of an Oldgirl on Twi.tt.er and went to bed. I woke up with my mind on staying calm and worry free. I went in there and kicked that test's behind! YIPPEE!

I probably won't get back here in time so MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!

What's been going on with yall?

...Brings Me Joy

2010-12-06T13:58:00.001-08:00

Hot Chocolate

A good Book

Soul stirring music

Watching my little sister meet her accomplishments

A good, can't breathe, holding my belly laugh

A night out with my BFF (no kids, no hubby)

Fitting into my old clothes that I have not been able to fit in a year

Hearing my 5 year old son read (Gives me goosebumps)

Giving away my son's too little but not worn out clothes

An ice cold Pepsi (I'm trying to kick this though)

The Book of Proverbs - I am studying the book of Proverbs for the month of December. I am reading and journaling about this book. I have never studied the Bible like this before. Waking up in the morning to have quiet time with God and the Bible has given me such a sense of peace. I skipped this weekend due to laziness and I felt the difference. I was off kilter. It's like it be calling me man.

My son, my sweet pea, my baby boy brings me more joy than I ever knew was possible. I never thought I would me a mother. I am too much of a loaner and way too moody but God had other plans. I was not one of those gushy baby talk pregnant people. I was going through hell with his dad and was scared out of my mind about motherhood. I did not think I would be able to raise a child but I was trying to stay cool and calm. I was raising my sister but she was 12 when I started. He was born and my life changed, the mother in me was born. I fell in love with this little guy. He is my love. He is my heart outside of my body. The fear I had about being a mom went away when I stepped into my womanhood and let myself grow up. I became his protector, his teacher, his comforter, his guide and many more things. I call myself MamaBear because I will fight through any fire to protect my son. Even though he is a HANDFUL, I thank God for him.

Kid Stress

2010-11-16T12:41:00.001-08:00

My child has apparently lost his damn mind lately and I am fed up. I do not know why he has become a smart mouth, defiant, whiny disrespectful kid. It started around Halloween. He did not get to do anything because his mouth got him in trouble so we stayed home. He got mad at something I told him to do and said well then I don't want to do trick or treating...like that was hurting me. I told him fine he would not be going. A could of hours later he tried to recant his statement and I told him nope too bad. I think I wrote about him drawing on my sister's tims and her floor in her room. He had no TV for a week for that and is still in the process of doing extra chores to pay them off.

His mouth is so out of control. I do not need to hear little smart azz comments about what he thinks he knows. He have been in this word 5 yrs and grant it he are smart, I am the parent and adult here. When I tell him to do something I am not trying to hear NO or whining or him stomping off. Am I crazy? There is obviously a reason that I am telling you to do something so get to it dude.

Due to his mouth, the TV came OUT of the room last night. He will get it back when I feel like giving it to him. I am not about the talking back, I cannot stand to hear kids back talk their parents and I am not going to have it in my house.

I told him to drink his juice at the table and not on the floor in front of the tv. Because he knows better than me he did not listen and ended up spilling orange juice on my carpet. I was HOT and then his behind was. Not for spilling juice but for being disobedient. And I hate that word because he isn't a dog.

Whatever I say, he says and does the opposite. And I am tired. Of course you cant give up on your kid but I am tired. AND the kicker is that he does not misbehave in school. I know I need to nip this and soon because I do not want it trickling into his school performance.

He has also been this way with my grandma, sister and uncle. My uncle has been trying to talk to him about it but he (unc) is too nice and Tyler over talks him and changes the subject.

I am going to keep on keeping on...WOOOOOOOSAAAHHHHHHHH!

Work Stress

2010-11-16T12:04:00.000-08:00

This past week has been one of stress and frustration. And I cant focus. I would on a piece of everything before I get one thing completed and it it so annoying.

I have been super stressed at work to the point of crying in the bathroom last week. I was just so frustrated that I needed the release. It helped a little but but I felt like I was on the verge of tears all last Friday. The mom of one of my good friends is a coworker and she asked if she could give me a hug, that's how bad it was. It is so frustrating when you are giving your all that someone else intentional or unintentional negligence messes it up for everyone. I make mistakes but I don't make as many as you do. I have been blessed with the wonderful gift of being OCD about mistakes and details. And I am pretty sick of ppl deciding that because I can do it all I should do it all. I don't get paid for doing it all. It's sad to me that I must "play dumb" or withhold some of my intelligence and abilities to avoid be barraged with things that I should not be doing. Some folks get paid the big bucks to handle this stuff. And it isn't me. I do not know if I would even want to. I don't like having to play dumb. It isn't me. I like being smart and living in that space in my work. I like to do my work well, I like that ppl know that I can get the job done. I do not like being intellectually abused though.

My Stuff

2010-11-08T11:45:00.001-08:00

"He almost walked away with all my stuff..."

Out of all the wonderful poetry in the movie For Colored Girls, I think this stuck out in my mind the most. I have been there. I lived that for so long while I was so young. Too young to be attached to this one man with my KungFu grip of desperation and fear. I was there for the taking and boy oh boy did he take. He took my heart and left it on the curb. He took my body and placed it under his bed for whenever he wanted. He took my respect and stuck that in his pocket, the back one at that. He took my joy because sadly he was from where my joy came.

I tried to leave numerous times but then came the pleas, manipulation and sometimes intimidation and isolation. And I went right back to letting him take away all of me.

Now it's been a while and I get so mad at myself for this still being a part of me. But being crushed in somebody's palm for so long has a lasting effect I guess. I know I do not want to punish the next man for what the last one did and didn't do. I am so thankful to out of this situation because I was so miserable. I could not see my greatness even in the midst of me doing great things.

I Cry...

2010-11-07T23:21:00.000-08:00

"I rock because sometimes I'm scared and that's alright. I rock because I'm not afraid to cry. I rock because I'm loved and I'm able to love. I rock, I rock." Anika Noni-Rose

I remember a time in my life when I did not cry. I just did not cry. Things would happen and I kept all of these feelings inside. And then came the depression and anxiety. I learned that these feelings needed to be expressed and not pushed down into myself. The women I was raised by certainly suffered from the “strong, stoic black woman” syndrome. Well that ish almost killed me.

So when you think Damn…Is this chick ever happy, remember that this is my free therapy. All of the “other” gets expressed here.

But the happy is right around the corner…

The Boy, the Marker and the Tims

2010-11-05T10:59:00.001-07:00

Just from the title alone, you know this aint good.

So because Neva.da is special and it a total league of it's own, there was no school for K -12 from October 30th until November 2. My boy spends his time at my grandmother's house when he is not at school and I am at work.

So picture this...he is out of school on Monday. He goes to my grandmothers house. My sister, who lives with my grandmother, in college and had class on Monday morning. She left her room open so he could go in there to watch his shows and not have to be stuck with Vic.tor Ne.wman all day. This is where I leave him. I tell him not to mess with any of her stuff, to just sit and watch his shows. Now usually her room is a mess but it seems that she straightened up so he could chill in there.

Shoot to Monday night. My sister makes a post on FB about her Tims being ruined. Somehow I knew my child had something to do with it but I really hoped he didn't. I commented asking what happened. She says that he scribbled on her floor and her shoes with a purple marker. Awwww hell...he went in her closet to get these shoes and chose to write on them??? And the floor?!?! I was HOT! This was about 8:15pm and homeboy was in the bed but I didn't think he would be asleep. I went in his room, he was awake. I asked him why did he write on her floor and her shoes. His eyes got all big and he says "How did you know". I told him not to worry about how I knew and I started fussing at him. He got a little discipline and I dared him to cry. I left his room and I was so mad at him because he knows better. So I decided that he was going to do extra chores to work off his debt and buy her new Tims for Christmas.

I told him of his situation in the car on the way to my grandmother's house the next day. When we got to the house the first thing he did was go in her room and say that he was sorry without me prompting him to. I told my gma that he was not to watch any cartoons until next Monday and he is not allowed alone in my sisters room and can only go in there in general if she invites him. I also talked to him about making good choices v. bad choices and he told me if doing them was making a good or a bad choice.

He has been doing pretty well with his extra chores. He complains and then I remind him why he has to do this stuff. Then he does it without complaint. This will be an interesting weekend with no cartoons at all but I am determined to go through with it until Monday. I am going to try to get him to go through his toys and get rid of the ones that are broken or that he doesn't play with. We'll see how that goes. And all of this was on the heels of him not being able to go trick or treating because of his smart azz mouth.

In other news I met his new teacher for the first time this week. His original teacher was moved to 4th grade about a month after school started. I was PISSED but decided to give the new one a chance. She is cool but stopped doing some of the thing that the original teacher was doing that I liked so I started doing them. We usually read 3 books a night. Two of the books are his level so he reads them with a little help from me if needed. The third book is a regular story book. I read it and he reads the words he knows. This seems to be working because his reading vocab is increasing rapidly.

Anyway, I saw his teacher walking to the classroom and stopped her. We made introductions and she told me that he was doing very well and that he was one of her best students. She also said that she can tell that I work with him at home. This made me happy. My mind was put at ease a bit.

I am elated that he is doing so well in school...but homeboy still had to work at home.

Owning me...

2010-11-05T06:50:00.000-07:00

Now that I am not taking any ish from anyone else (I have been really working to live this, I am learning how to block others negativity from my being) I need to learn how to own MY feelings. Good, bad, sad, ugly, delighted or indifferent. I usually shut down the things I think about that are too painful. Maybe I take as much pain as I can stand at that time and then shut the faucet off. I don't know. This leaves me feeling like I am not doing all I can do to work through things. I want things to be done and finished now but I know there is no journey in that. I feel how I feel about some things and I an entitled to my feelings. I do not need to seek approval to feel my feelings.

Another thing that I am working on are the negative thoughts about myself that run through my head when I am up against the wall. Now on one hand I am almost arrogant about my abilities at my job. When I first started I was flabbergasted at the massive amount of work it was. I thought that it would be awesome if I was able to master it all. I am almost there. I have figured out things that work and things that don't, tweaking my approach along the way if needed. I do still make mistakes but I usually have everything covered.

I do not take this approach in my real life because of the negative thought that pop into my head. I am at least now able to identify that they are there and stop them at times. But I hate the fact that they are there at all. I guess I just have to keep working at it and figure out something positive to replace it with.

Thoughts...and stuff

2010-11-03T23:54:00.000-07:00

I was lent a movie to watch called La Mis.sion. This is a movie starring Be.njam.in Br.at.t and Er.ika Ale.xan.der. Be.njam.in Brat.t is playing an OG from California who is the father of an in the closet gay high schooler. She plays his neighbor. She is a new age sort of lady. It is implied through the movie that she was previously in an abusive relationship. She is still emotionally wounded from this. She and bratt go from neighbors who do not like each other to neighbors spending time together to lovers. She has a wall built up but she eventually lets him in.

When my coworker/friend that lent me this movie started telling me about it, he said that er.ika’s character reminds him of me. He did not go into too much detail about it, he just told me that I should see it.

I have often said that I wish I could see how people see me. I am just curious. I thought I was wearing my mask pretty well. Do I walk around looking wounded and hurt?

For the record…I think pain is decreasing and my wounds are healing.

side eye on the outside...BIG SMILE on the inside

2010-10-26T21:44:00.001-07:00

So…I am in the mood right now that if something is giving you pause about me and I know I did nothing wrong…that is your problem.

If you are losing all of your stuff b/c you decided to get ready for a meeting in a frenzy instead of preparing the right way…that is your problem.

If you did not check your email and you missed a meeting…eh, that is your problem.

I am not longer internalizing other people’s problems…I am done. DONE!

Just in case YOU didn’t know…this is all a part of being a FREE WOMAN.

I'se FREE!

2010-10-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

I AM A FREE WOMAN!!!!

As I previously stated I read I W.ish I Ha.d A R.ed Dr.ess. I loved this book. I loved the idea of women being free, just being who they are independent of what any man thinks or does. Many of the men in this story were just evil and grimy. The main character teaches a group of forgotten young women to be free while becoming free herself in a different way. I have been getting really inpatient with myself lately. I feel like I should be living the life that God has intended for me but instead I am stuck. Maybe I am in a prison of my own making but I know I have to get out. It seems that I go through these cycles of positivity and negativity and its really pissing me off. I am tired of it. I want to be free.

In the book there were 10 things that a free woman could be able to do including being a midwife. *blink* I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies and I do not plan to learn. But there are things I can do in my life that will contribute to my freedom.

1. I will be who I am and make no apologies to it to anyone. I am usually a nice and kind person. For at least the last 8 years I have been dimming my light as not to step on any toes and keep the peace. Well…I’m done. I am who I am, happy, sad or indifferent and it someone cannot accept it, that is their problem and not mine.

2. I will be positive and not let others negative spirit poison me. I feel this deeply esp. at work. I can walk in the door in a wonderful mood and depending what is going on, that mood can be smashed to pieces. Last week I heard of my bff’s husband’s coworker that had an aneurysm due to stress. At this point I let everything that was bothering me go. It simply was not worth it.

3. I will find my purpose and be FEARLESS in fulfilling it. This really needs no explanation but…I am tired of being scared. It is robbing me of so much. I will not raise my child in fear. He is a fearless soul and I will not destroy that.

There will be more to this list but it will not go on and on. What is the point of listing endlessly and not doing anything??? There is no point.

Rainy night into rainy day...

2010-10-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

I am at home today with my son who is not feeling well. Last night the flood gates were released and I have to admit I feel better today. I feel peace.

It seems that I came to understand some "whys" in my life. For me I have to know why in order to move on. Some people feel like that is dwelling in sorrow but everyone has a different way of working through things.

Another sleepless night...

2010-10-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

The quiet girl
The shy girl
Waiting for me to speak but I dare not
What if I don’t say the right thing
Then you will leave
If I don’t do what you want
You will leave
If I am not who you seek me to be
You will leave

Do I need your approval
No
Do I need your understanding
Maybe
Do I need your love
Yes

Will you run like everyone else does
Will you run when you see me
When you see the real me
The me who isn’t perfect
The me that makes mistakes
The me that needs
The me that bleeds
Just like you
The me that is not invincible
Just me

Will you take care of my heart
Or berate me for having feelings
So I shut them off
Then you call me a bitch
For being so cold
On when you want
Off when I need

No one wants to see a sad girl
No one wants to see the tears
So I make them disappear
Shove them deep down inside
Until they start climbing out
as anxiety and depression

“What’s wrong with you”
You say as you leave

So I am left with the question…

What is wrong with me?

Rainy night...off the dome...

2010-10-19T22:26:00.001-07:00

As I type this the rain is pouring down on my patio. I love the rain. I love how it sounds; I love how it smells and how it feels. If it wasn’t dang near 10 pm I would be outside walking in it barefoot.

It makes me reflective. I think about the pink and purple rain coat my mom bought me. My mother dressed me in pink and purple almost every day when I was a little girl. She loved having a daughter. My aunt in La. Used to make us matching dresses and you could not tell us that we weren’t fly. LOL. I think about my mom and wonder how she would feel about my life now. Would she be proud of me? I do know one thing…she would be spoiling my son ROTTEN. He would definitely be grandma’s baby.

I was looking for a book in my stacks of books (hehe) and I found one of my old, not finished journals. This journal was right before and during the issues with my son’s father. I will be honest; I could not really read those entries. I would just read small parts. There are post its in there of things that I didn’t want to forget like when my son told me when he got in trouble that he was gonna tell O.ba.ma on me. I thought that was hilareeeous. He is a character. I also found a post it when 3 yr old Tyler told me that his dad made a hole in his life. This was after the initial drama happened and his dad wasn’t coming around anymore. He would tell me that he wanted his daddy. I can’t for the life of me remember what I told him as a reply. But I do remember being blown away when he said that his dad made a hole in his life. Maaaan, that broke my heart. At that point he was used to seeing his dad or at least being able to talk to him on the phone.

My dad was a magician…a now you see me, now you don’t type of dad. I never wanted this for my own children but that is exactly what I got. That was my example of a man. That was the standard that I had to go by. Although I saw differently behaving men, I was not comfortable with that. Men that had their ish together and were good men always intimidated me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for them. I remember I would get extra quiet and never make eye contact. Wow.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough for them. If they got to know me they would know that I wasn’t…I don’t know. Perfect I guess. I tried to be perfect. I have tried to be perfect for so much of my life. If I never did anything wrong then no one would ever be disappointed in me.

I need to find the root of this weed.

Peaceful Life

2010-10-19T16:03:00.001-07:00

Why is it when you are feeling great and just full of the spirit of God and so thankful...bad energy just has to swoop in. I have never understood that attack until now.

I'm not a drama filled person. I like calm and happiness with the the people that I love and those that love me. I basically fly below the radar in many areas of life on purpose I guess.

(insert 6 hr gap here, so the mood has shifted a bit)

As I stated in the last post I have been feeling so thankful and filled with happiness. I go through out the day and just say "I am so blessed" and "Thank you".

Yesterday, some members of my son's father's side of the family paid a visit to my gma's house (my last known address) to see me and my son. My son's paternal grandmother and aunt/cousin (father's cousin by blood, raised more like siblings) came to the house looking for me and the little guy. I was at work and he was at school so the aunt left her number so I could call her. I have only met his mom once and she could have cared less, the sister has seen my son twice in his life. She kept all of her brother secrets even while knowing how this would affect the baby. So I know then but not really know them. In my post titled My First Love (I think, lol) I talked about the toxic relationship that I had with my son's father. He learned this behavior somewhere...it is how he was raised. I'm sure that somewhere in this family there are some sane, good hearted people but these two are not it. I can see them trying to get in contact with me on behalf of his dad. I have no idea how he would think that would work, if this is the case. I would discuss his visitation with him before I would with anyone else. He is a big boy and he needs to act like it. Or I could see them trying to get in contact b/c they are on the outs with the dad. The dad and his mom would be on speaking terms for a while and then not speak for like a year. This is how I don't know her and she has never met her grandson. Now after my son was born, I thought he would eventually meet the other side of his family but he didn't due to his dad not wanting his free rides(with other women) to end. The aunt is a very messy individual and has lived a grimy lifestyle that I want my son to have no parts of. So I have no plans to call these people. If they happen to come a calling while I am there with my son so be it and I will deal with them then.

I am not going to feel guilty for my stance on this. My son is 5 years old and now all of a sudden they appear when they know he has had no contact with his father for the last 2 years. I know at least the sister knows b/c she know all of home boy's little secrets.

I have been praying for guidance on this matter since yesterday and I am now at piece. When any of these folks come back into our lives, they bring nothing but turmoil.

Would I communicate with the dad if he appeared? Yes but I hold his ass to the fire so that he does not hurt my boy's feelings. I know that he(dad) knows that he is not just gonna walk in and out of my son's life. And no, my son would not be going off with him or spending nights. I have seen too much parental kid killing on the news and...just no.

I do not owe any of these folks anything. I owe my boy the chance at a peaceful life.

Giving Thanks...

2010-10-13T15:24:00.001-07:00

I have been inspired by grateful and thankful posts that I have read today and that this is WAY over due.

I am thankful for:

Life...I am so thankful for life today. I remember there were times that I wished I was never born.

My family...even though they do not always do things the way I would do them (hehe) I am thankful that they are there when I need them.

My bff...we have been friends for 12 years now, through births, deaths, relationship drama and any other thing that you can imagine. We went stretches not talking as much as we should but we talk very regularly now. She sent me a text the other day telling me that she can always be herself around me and thanking me for that. I am thankful for that. It made me smile all through my body.

My son...This is a well established fact. Maaaaaaan, that little boy is my light. He got his mom out of a very dark place. I am cannot even imagine what my life would be like if I had not been blessed with him.
I am thankful that he has taken to school so well and is enjoying it so much. They cram alot into the day because if he is bored...it's a wrap.
I am thankful that he is so smart and that he loves to learn. He asks me so many questions and he keeps asking until he is satisfied with an answer.

My education...although I piss and moan but I am so thankful to be able to go back to school. I just really hope that I can be a good teacher for these kids.

My past...some thing were not easy but I have learned so much that I would be remiss if I did not mention it. Now it's time to move on...

Lastly...I am thankful for you...yes you. Anyone that has read and commented on my blog or anyone that I have chopped it up with on Tw.itt.er. FOR REAL...you guys do not know how it has felt for me...the loner, the one who does not want to bother anyone with my issues...to have a place to go to express myself and feel safe. I have been able to grow on this journey because of your writings and kind comments to me or books that you have recommended. So...thank you.

Lord, If I can say nothing else, let me be able to say Thank You.

2010-10-12T07:03:00.001-07:00

Hey EVERYBODEE! (in my Gonzo voice)

This last class was a beast and thankfully it is over. It is so hard to work with a group that will not participate accordingly. Well that is over so I am putting it out there for a good group this next go around.

So I have been doing my assignments and I have been finding time to read. What the intensity of this class, I needed something relaxing for my brain to do. I have recently read “Get.ting to Hap.py” and “I Wi.sh I Had a R.ed Dr.ess”. I think that everything has a time and place. It was definitely time for me to read these books. I will go into detail soon.

Off to work now. I am claiming a good day!!!

Dreaming...don't like it.

2010-09-29T06:13:00.001-07:00

I had the strangest dream last night. Lam.man Ruc.ker from all of the TP movies was trying to get with me. Of course he was gorgeous and charming but I was hesitant. I began to warm up to him because he was so sweet, warm and comforting. I was having issues with something and I went to him. I got to his house and this pretty samoan girl was there that I has seen before. She had been in other parts of the dream but I don’t know why. So I went to his house because at this point he was almost my man. So I am talking to him when I figure that this whole thing was a set up and he tried to kill me. I escaped the house running and for some reason I was trying to get to the DMV.

I have thankfully never been in a situation where I had to fight for my life but that dream felt real as hell. I woke up all tangled in my covers.

I guess you can say I have trust issues with men. Le sigh.

Celebratory Pants

2010-09-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

The blogosphere seems to have been taken over by fitness challenges. I am not a part of any of them but they are super inspiring to me. I may not be an active participant but I have been absorbing all of this information. There is also a crew on twit.ter that is pretty healthy. Some are pescatarian and aspiring pescatarians, some are vegetarians and some are just eating better than they have in the past.

I am not on a fitness journey nor am I being overly picky about everything that I eat (perhaps I should be). But I have made some changes in my life that have affected me positively.

I need some new slacks. I want to get about 3 pair. I was able to go shopping in my closet last night. There are about 4 pair of slacks that I have not been able to fit for over a year that I can proudly say I fit now. YAY!!!

I did not plan on blogging about this but then I figured why not?? Small victories deserve to be celebrated as well!

I have been doing some things differently and they seem to be paying off. I am eating more fruits and veggies and eating more at home. Now I now that I need to take advantage of this impending wonderful weather and incorporate some exercise in. If only I had a dog I needed to walk...

Limitations

2010-09-21T15:13:00.001-07:00

There is this older lady in my old department at work that loves to hear stories about my son. She has grown kids but no grandkids so I think she gets her grandmotherly kick from hearing about Ty’s adventures. I go to her side of the building about once a week to give her the rundown. I told her how he had really taken to French and that the teacher said that if he keeps it up throughout school he could eventually be fluent in the language. There is another lady (mid to late 40s, AA) that sits next to the older lady so she hears this and frowns her face up.

"Why aren't they teaching them Spanish?"

I said maybe b/c half the school probably already knows Spanish and it will be a challenge for everyone to learn French. The older lady agrees and said that maybe Ty could end up working in France. I said yeah maybe he will be some kind of ambassador or diplomat or something. Frowny lady frowns up again and says:

"You want that for him?"

Now it's my turn to frown. I said "Yes, why wouldn't I. If he wants it then I want it for him and will do whatever I can to help him". I did a internal side eye and eye roll and continued my conversation with the other lady.

*silence*

Why do people place limits on their children and then feel the need to place the on other children. My baby will grow up believing that he can do anything he wants too. And I will hold him to that standard because he is the bomb. He has qualities that if I didn't nurture and guide I would be doing a disservice to him as a mother.

I mean, we have a AA POTUS now. Stop with the limitations people, please, your kids will thank you.

Open House

2010-09-15T10:27:00.001-07:00

I went to my very first open house as a mom last night. I say as a mom because I went to open houses after my mom passed for my sister. I left work early and raced to my grandmother's how to pick up Ty. He walked me to his main classroom and I got to see his journal. Since they are really not writing words yet, they draw pictured in it. I was one of his picture on the wall and saw his math notebook. I love that the teacher is so organized and routine oriented. I think it has been such an easy transition for him because I am pretty routine oriented as well. Then we went to his French class. I will tell yall that I am so amazed by this child and his grasp of the language. She speaks to him in French and he understands and answers accordingly. You could have knocked me over with a feather. He sung 3 songs for me in French. He pronunciation is on point too. I am so proud of my boy. He goes to French class four days a week. The teacher said that I could sit in on one of the classes if I wanted. I think I will because I want to see the kids in action and I also need field experience for my school. We went to the art and music rooms too. The art teacher is my bff's mom so we already knew her. She teaches them little songs to remember different types of things. I liked the music teacher as well. She has been teaching for 42 years and at one point taught kinder and first grades. She was an older lady, very grandmotherly. She does morning duty in the cafeteria and this kids run up and give her hugs.

All in all I am very happy with the school and the teachers. I think that my son will be challenged and I am confident that with my participation he will thrive here. I am going to institute a weekly trip to the library since he has to start a reading log for class soon. He wants to go on Saturdays. I guess we will start out our Saturdays with a trip to the library then. I will see if there are some French learning DVDs at the library because I want him to be able to use his knowledge at home.

I was worried about his adjustment to school because he had not gone to preschool but this child is thriving here. Maybe I am wrong but I thought that this curriculum would be basically fluff b/c of the amount of Spanish speakers on the school. But his teacher is just up in here doing the damn thang.

I think open house was good for the both of us. It eased my mind about his education and he got to walk me around to all of his classes. He likes showing me around. It was a thrill for him. So much of a thrill that when it was time to put his jammies on, I had to search for him. He was so tuckered out that I found him in his bed knocked out with his uniform on. LOL.

So so random...

2010-09-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

I would so marry Alt.on Bro.wn from the Food Network if he asked. The fact that he is intelligent, funny and has a slight edge really floats my boat. Hehehe. Apparently it’s not all about looks for me. Hmmm, I thought I was shallower than that. I do actually like smart guys. As much as I like my eye candy, like this:

And this:

I really do like smart guys. I would like a man that can keep me interested. We can have actually conversations other than about music and sports. Intelligence...yes.

I hope you all are having a great weekend. Later...

2010-09-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

Is love even real anymore? Are people willing to put in the effort to make a relationship work? Are people willing to leave themselves vulnerable so someone can even get to their heart? Or are people too busy protecting their hearts that they don’t even notice when someone wants to get in. When that someone wants to be all you want and need. He is not your life but he enhances it. He wants to be the partner and tackle the world together. He knows your goals and you know his. They may not be the same individual goals but they are a benefit to the family. Is this a fairy tale version of things?

My fave “love” songs…

This song will be played at my wedding but not with all the cheesy back up vocals.

Off the Dome

2010-09-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

I’m gonna just come straight off the dome with this one so yall please bear with me.

This whole spirit of fear thing is really getting to me. What am I so afraid of? Why am I so afraid of things? This is something that I really don’t understand.

There are things that I want to do but then I have this paralyzing fear the stops me in my tracks. I cannot wrap my head around this. I see other people living life and doing the things that I am afraid to do.

I do know this…fear is very exhausting.

Maybe I need to make a list of things that I want to do. But making the plan is not taking the steps. But the plan is starting somewhere.

I need to get out of dodge. My spirit so wants to move away from this place. I do not see how that is possible with my family situation. My grandmother is here, my sister is here. My grandmother has a son but he has just become reliable in the last couple of years. I am the one that is depended on by the family.

Why do I have to take care of everyone. I took over that role when my mom died. The only one that I have to take care of is my son. My sister is now 20 so she needs to get her ish together. But how can she when my grandmother treats her like she is 12 but in turn she is not on her ish. It’s like a cycle.

I need to live for me. Me and my son.

The only way that I can see us moving is if my grandmother (well you know) and I don’t even want to think about that so moving is not on my prayer list.

It’s so sad that whenever I am somewhere different my whole chest feels lighter. I breathe easier. There is too much history here. There is too much abandonment, sadness and fear here.

On the up side, I have issued a challenge to myself. Before the end on 2010 I will go out to an event or something by myself. My friends don’t seem to have time or desire to do anything with their lives so I’m on my own. I do not want to be that person that watches life pass them by.

No I am not depressed...just working on my process.

Day 5 – Your Definition of Love

2010-09-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

To me love is just letting me be me. Knowing that I am not perfect, that I will make mistakes but loving me anyway. Not trying to change me into what you think is best or what you see on the videos.

Not leaving when things get tough or not going your way. I have to work on this because my natural reaction is to break and run when things get tough. It is not a malicious act but one of self preservation. I run so you can’t leave me first.

When I think of unconditional love, I think of how my mother loved me. I wasn’t always the easiest person to get along with but she never held it against me. That’s a mother’s love.

I have a very special aunt that loves me in a motherly way. She lives in Louisiana and I miss her terribly.

I love my sister tremendously like my child since I have raised her since she was 12. I am as hard just like she was my kid and hopefully she knows I love her as such.

I love my son more than I ever thought was possible. I said I was not going to be one of those strict and overbearing moms. Well I think I lied. He is only 5. I am trying to give him a little more space now. But I am seeing where my guidance and prayers have paid off. My son is so animated and some time just bouncing off of walls. Sometimes homeboy has an attitude out of sight…at home working my last nerve. But when we go out he is so well behaved, polite, articulate and opinionated for a 5 year old. Not opinionated in a bad way but he will talk to people and not hide and act all shy. It is my hope that I can out a positive and intelligent black man into society. He is awesome.

I know familial type love but as far as relationship with the opposite gender type love I am drawing a blank. I have only been in 2 serious relationships and I may have thought it was love then but now I don’t know.

I want love. I want a partner.

Right now I am trying to make myself strong enough that I can withstand any of the darts the “Mr Wrong” may throw at me.

This is all I got for this love thing…

Unplugged

2010-09-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Hello Blogosphere. I have decided to go on a self imposed time out. I need to disconnect from the online realm. I am going to stay off of FB for a while and try to kick that nasty bird habit, at least for a little while.

I went on my mini vacation but it wasn’t really a vacation since we spent it rushing around because folks do not know how to get up on time. I mean damn, you are adults…act like it. If there is something that you want to do then go to bed at a decent hour so you can get up on time. I am not an early riser. Once upon a time I used to sleep reeeeeally late. Then I had a kid and his schedule became my schedule not the other way around. I would not keep my kid up until all ungodly hours because I want to sleep late.

I guess I had been holding that in for a long time.

The times that were not spent rushing around were really nice. I want to go back with just my son or other folks that can function as adults.

This being said…I am tired and getting burnt out. This master’s degree thang is no joke, even online especially online. I have readings to do and papers to write. Right now I am a part of a team that can’t seem to do a damn thing without being pushed, prodded and having everything spelled out for them. Those jokers are working my last nerve. I have a week left in this class and I will bid those fools good riddance, gladly.

My baby boy is now a kindergartener. He has never gone to school before. Due to this I have had him involved in sports and activities. I took off of work his first day…yes I did. I was so nervous for his first day. He was fine at home. We got dressed and he was his normal active self. We were driving and he simmered down a bit. We got there and his little face was so blank. He is usually very animated but he was just blank and that broke my heart. We went to this classroom and he perked up a bit. But it still hurt to leave him there. I left him and spent the day counting the hours and wondering if he was ok. Of course he was. He now loves school. He comes home to tell me the activities they do. They have been going to French, computer and music class. I am getting used to him being there and less worried. He did almost break me down on Tuesday by telling me in the sweetest most pitiful look that he was gonna miss me. Yall just don’t know. At that moment I wanted to immediately quit my job and become a teacher’s aide for his class.

So I have a lot going on in my head right now. I have to get it organized. I will still read blogs and hopefully I will be able to clear my mind to get my blog on.

Day 4 What I Ate Today

2010-08-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

I am going to do this a little different and post what I plan on eating on Friday. When most of you read this it will be Friday so there *sticks tongue out*

Today I will have Fiber One and soy milk for breakfast and a Lean Cui.sine BBQ Chicken pizza for lunch. Dinner on Fridays is usually at my Grandmas. I don't know what she is making tomorrow, I mean today.

Snacks will be carrots, celery and broccoli. I will also have my trail mix if I didn't forget it at home again.

I some what try to eat healthy. I am doing so much better than I have in the past. If you didn't know by now, I take baby steps into things not giant leaps. So I am making baby steps in regards to changing my diet. I want to incorporate more and more healthy things into it.

Clutter...

2010-08-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

I had to take a break from the challenge just to regroup. Everything is going at such a fast pace right now that I just need to stop because I am losing my footing. I feel like I am drowning.

My baby boy is starting school on Monday and that has me on edge. I have to turn my little guy over to someone else. I have to trust someone else with his little mind and heart. I should not say little mind because my boy is smart. He comes to me with questions that I have to stop and think about or look up on the computer. I have only had to share him with my family and I he is in good hands with them. I pray that this teacher is about something. Since the regular elementary schools here are only half day, I found a charter school for him to do to so he can be in kinder all day. Actually I found 3 and this is the one he got in to. The others are more income and location based. It was not my first choice but God knows what he is doing. I have to trust that.

School is going ok. Yeah just ok.

I need to get back to being prayerful. How does life just start spinning by and you forget to do all of the things that are important in keeping you sane. Do I feel insane right now? No my head just feels cluttered. How do I keep other peoples clutter from invading my space? I am just a little frustrated right now. And I am so sick of hearing about those damn tainted eggs!!!!

Day 3 - My Parents

2010-08-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

My parents are both from Louisiana (different towns) but met in Vegas. When I was born my mom was 24 and my dad was 30. They were never married (Thank God). I believe they met in my Uncle Jimmy’s club. My mom used to get up there on stage and get her little sang on and my dad took notice.

My mother was one of the most wonderful people I have even known. She was not perfect but she was a damn good mother. The values that she instilled in me, I am passing down to my son. I was spoiled but not rotten.

My mom was pretty strict but sweet. I thank her for this now. I was not able to wild out like other neighborhood girls. I knew that my mom was NOT going to have me acting up in school and not doing my work. I always wanted her to be proud of me and she was.

She attended Southern University but did not finish. As long as I can remember, I knew I was going to college. She was able to see me walk across that stage to get my degree and died 8 months later. She was diagnosed with lung ca during my last semester in college. I went to the local university and still lived at home. I took this hard. I was depressed for a while and spent many nights out when I wasn’t working. When I looked at her I just knew that she was going to leave me. The one person who loved me and all my flaws was going to leave me.

My grandmother and I took care of her until her last breath. Thankfully she waited until no one was in the room to take it.

Eight years later…She is still my heart and I miss her like crazy.

My father was never really in my life. He was constantly in and out (sounds familiar). He would come around talking reckless and my mom was NOT having it. So he would then disappear for some months or years. He and I sort of reconciled a bit before and after my mom died. I am not really talking to him right now. I have a low tolerance for bullshit in my life right now. He has never been steady in my life and I just do not feel like making room for him. I know this sounds mean but I have no emotional connection to this man. Also it is so funny to me how when I bought my house he started calling me nonstop. He was also out of work and newly divorced and living in a weekly motel thingee. It was just too much of a coincidence for me. At first I wanted him to be in my son’s life but then came a lot of broken promises on his behalf. I will not have my son in that mess.

Bottom line is that in recent years even though he is a church deacon, I have seen him go from marriage to marriage and woman to woman. Now he is alone. I hope he did not think I was going to be his next meal ticket. Maybe I’m wrong but I lose no sleep not having him in my life.

This post had me stuck…maybe I can move on now.

And to everyone that read my day 2 post, thanks for the wonderful response and unwavering support. It felt so good to get all of that out. Like I said, it’s like the shame I carry around. A smart woman like me was not supposed to be involved in such madness. I guess I still need to forgive myself. Through prayer all things are possible. To my new readers …WELCOME. I am enjoying your blogs as well. To my older readers…THANK YOU for hanging in with me!

Back from Cali...

2010-08-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

Hey yall. My exit seemed all dramatic but I just went on a short vacay to Cali with my son and some friends/family. We had a very good time. I took my son to Dis.neyla.nd for the very first time. He enjoyed himself so much. We also got to take a pic with the Famous Mouse. I will be back to continue my challenge soon and maybe some pics from the trip.

First love...brokenheart, broken spirit

2010-08-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

Surely I must have heard wrong. Did this lady just say that she was T’s fiancée? I stepped outside to hear her clearer.

She ended up calling me because I left a HOT message on his cell after he did not come over to visit my son after I had just been with him the night before. She was suspicious of him and took his phone, checked his messages, left the house and called me.

So I had I heard right. She was T’s fiancé. She began to tell me how long they had been together. I put two and two together and figured out it was the same time as when he disappeared. I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I stood there in disbelief but I knew it was true. She was pregnant with a daughter. He picked the baby’s name, Tylynn. This twisted the knife even further since my son’s name is Tyler.

The original story he told her was that I was a friend of his sisters and we ended up having sex one time. I got pregnant from that one time. Since my mother had died and I had no one I wanted to keep the baby. Then I moved out of state taking the baby with me and he did not know where I had gone.

He is a world class liar, huh?

So she and I talk on the phone basically comparing notes and taking turns crying. Then she gets a phone call on her cell, it was T. She put him on speaker and I heard the whole conversation. He actually admitted that what I said was true.

I stood outside my job for two hours with this mess. I went back in to my office. When up to my supervisor, told her I needed to leave and broke down before I could walk out the door.

I left work that day and went to the park. I could not go home because my family would want to know what was wrong.

I remember sitting in the park and crying. Calling my best friend and crying. The rest of it is a blur.

I tried to go to work the next day but I couldn’t even breathe without sobbing.

The next two week seem to creep by. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I managed to wait until my son went to sleep to cry.

Somewhere in this time she made him call to tell me it was over. I asked him how he could do this to me. I told him that he could have been a part of our son’s life and not been with me. How was he going to teach our son right from wrong if he lived his life like this? He basically spouted off some nonsense about our son not doing what he does but what he says. Blah, blah, blah. I asked him how he could do that to me…again. He said it’s never really been serious with you and then hung up in my face.

The next day was my 30th birthday.

I proceeded to take advantage of my insurance plan and use my EPA benefit. I saw a counselor a couple of times who was more interested in my future plans than my feelings then.

After all of this I did not want him. But I still wanted him to have a relationship with his son. At this time our boy was three years old. He missed his dad and asked for him often. I would send T a text message telling his that the baby asked about him and then he would call. We would make plans to make plans. I could tell in the conversations he would try to gage if I was still mad at him. Then I would immediately get a call or a text from the chick. I later figured out that he was doing this on purpose to try to keep drama going. It would turn into some grand event because she was sure that I was using my son to get to him. The funny thing is that when I would not respond to her, she would become enraged. She for a while thought he was telling me not to respond. Her insecurity was ridiculous.

After this happening about 3 times in as many months I had enough. I could not do this. Every time either of them called or texted me I would get sick to my stomach and start to shake. I called my cell company and figured out how to block numbers. I blocked her number and his but not before I sent him a text telling him what I was doing.

I was done; I could not take it anymore. That was the last time that I had any contact with him. That was August 2008.

I thought it would get easier. I was wrong.

I went through all of these feeling of devastation and self doubt. Why wasn’t I good enough for him to want me? What did I do or what didn’t I do? Was I doing the right thing by keeping him away?

At this point spiritually I was almost dead. I had nothing else to give to anyone. I was a shell. I would look in the mirror and see nothing reflected in my eyes.
I still cried but not as often. I pushed everything down into myself because I could not face it. I just wanted the pain to end. It dulled but never quite went away. I felt damaged.

I held all of the guilt because I chose to have a child with this man who was worthless as a father. I did this to my son’s life. And then I felt like was keeping him away from his dad. I chose to keep loving a man that could never love anyone. I tried over and over again to do the impossible. I should have seen the signs. I sould not have ignored the signs.

This is my secret shame. This is my scarlet letter. How can I even think I deserve to be happy after all of this? I was that woman that you hear about and ask, why does she stay with him; she must be stupid or have no self esteem.

So I carried this burden…for a mighty long time.

It’s been almost 2 and half years since the morning of that call.

Like I said in my day 1 introduction, I am working on me. I am trying to build myself back up spiritually. I would be a fool to say that this did not affect me. I know it did...deeply. I don’t really talk to people anymore, even my friends. I keep everything inside because I do not want to feel vulnerable. I do not want to burden anyone with my problems. I’m afraid to trust any man with my heart. Honestly I do not know if that feeling will ever go away.

When I woke up this morning the first thing I thought was to delet the post. I have never felt so naked. It was with there on the screen for me to face. As the day went on I felt more and more free. Hopefully the breaking of this chain around my neck will eventually totally free me.

Day 2 - Your First Love

2010-08-05T00:32:00.001-07:00

I apologize in advance for the length...once I started, I could not stop.

I'm a quiet person. I'm a shy person. I'm a private person. I keep everything inside. But during the blogging challenge, I'm gonna try to let it all hang out so I can get to know myself.

I was reading other day 2 posts and they broke me down. They made me realize that I have had this wall up not wanting to admit that I ever loved him. But I did. Once upon a time I loved him.

We met in high school. He was the new kid and I was the quiet girl the neighborhood kids referred to as “school girl” I later found out.

I walked out to the bus one day after school; he stopped me and asked my name. I told him and he took my hand doing more caressing than shaking. He told me his name. Let’s call him T. I said ok and took my hand back. I continued walking to the bus thinking Huh, what just happened.

Of course I had previously peeped him out. We rode the same bus and lived in the same neighborhood. I didn’t hang around in the neighborhood so I saw him on the first day he came to school. Who could miss this tall thick redbone brother with a reddish brown fro. I couldn’t. I thought he was fine but once I saw the crowd he hung out with, I was not interested. Besides, I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend that was the kind of dude everyone pictured me with, a “good” guy. My family loved him and I did too the best way I could at 16 yrs old.

T made sure what he was always in my line of vision. He was at the bus stop before me most days so I could walk by him and he could speak. I always smiled and spoke back. He made sure he was where I was before the bell rang. I would usually go up to the library to sit with these nerds I knew. So it was the nerd table, the bball player table and the T table. He would then whisper to try to get my attention. It worked. He eventually wore me down and I gave him my phone number.

We started talking on the phone and he began to walk me home. We got more familiar with each other and I figured out that he was trying to be a little player. Technically I was too but I knew nothing serious was going to happen between us because I wasn’t giving it up to anyone. Even though I had a boyfriend I was drawn to T something serious. I remember one day we were talking by the lockers and I pushed him up against the locker and just kissed him. LOL. That was our first kiss. It shocked the hell out of him and pissed off his legion of groupies that were never far behind.

The school year ended and for some reason we did not keep in touch over that summer. When school started, we picked up with the flirtation. We talked on the phone, he walked me home and we kissed. That was it and yes, I still had the boyfriend. I broke up with my boyfriend because I wanted T. He came to my house that Halloween asking to see me and I was sick so I just talked to him at the door. Once he knew I wasn’t coming out he left. I didn’t see him anymore after that. He just vanished.

The school year ended and still no T. I didn’t call his house or ask any of the neighborhood kids about him. I just chalked it up as a loss. I started college and I began to get these letters. He was locked up in the state facility for youth offenders. I was shocked. I guess I was in denial to how “bad” he was. We kept up the letters until he got out in December. We finally reunited face to face the following year.

We started to see each other more. He would come over to my house any we would sit inside and talk or go outside and kiss. In the rain, in the cold…it did not matter. This is when I found out his living situation. He was raised by his sister. His mother abused him as a kid so he was in foster care off and on and with other relatives until the older sister stepped up. He wanted me to visit him there but I refused. Hell, I was scared of those folks. I finally went over when the sister was out of town and we had sex. I had decided that I just wanted to go ahead and do it.

Of course it wasn’t great but I was in love by this time. Soon after we had sex I found out about his other girlfriend that was supposedly pregnant. I told him that I was seeing someone else too and to never call me again. Of course I wasn’t. I was heartbroken…crushed. I just went to school, went to work and came home and cried. I remember when my mom asked if I had sex with him…I lied and said no.

He eventually started calling me and hanging up or he would have his friend call me. We started back talking and kept on sexing.

All the things I was told not to do we did. And they felt good. I felt alive when I was with him. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. This was so frightening for me. Because I never wanted it to end. But deep down I knew it would. I knew this relationship was not meant to last.

But I craved him. So we were off and on, on and off for eleven years. Each time he would come back with new promise of how it was going to be different. He would also come back with a baby or two. But he was taking care of them…so that was ok. He was also still taking care of the mother and living with her as well. When I found out I was hurt embarrassed ashamed but I could not let him go. I am not proud of this.

In the midst of this my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died. He held me as I cried. I felt like my whole world was gone, that he was all I had.

About two years later, I became pregnant with my son. He tried to pressure me not to have my baby since he was still with her. It almost worked. He would come to my house all times of night and try to break me down. He was at this time 6’6 300 pounds and this was the first time since I knew him that I was afraid of him. He would yell and scream at me and hit things…not me. He tried anything to convince me not to have my baby. I told him that he could walk, just walk away scot free. Somehow he changed his mind about the baby.

I had my son while he was in Texas playing arena football. He did not even attempt to come back for my son’s birth. As a matter of fact he made my pregnancy a living hell while he was away.

He hung around through my son’s first birthday. He played the part time dad role and brought his sisters over to see that baby. I thought things were looking up, he was steady working and beginning to look for apartments. I thought we may just make it. Maybe we would be the family I yearned for us to be. Then he disappeared…

I went on with my life raising my son the best way I knew how. About 7 months pass…he shows up with this story of how he was in jail in Cali for something he did when he was 19. I believed him but emotionally kept him at arm’s length…I thought.

Again we began having sex. Oh yeah, he would see our son too. I thought I was in control of this here because I was not getting emotionally involved. Something about this was draining me and slowly killing my spirit. He was toxic to me. Had been for years. He missed a visit with my son and I was through. I prayed to God to somehow be set free. I felt like I was trapped. T knew all of the things to say to keep me under his thumb. He knew how to manipulate me to make sure I was going no where. So cried and prayed harder than I had ever prayed before just to be free.

The next morning his 7 month pregnant fiancé called my cell while I was at work.

Day 1 - Introduce Yourself

2010-08-03T22:54:00.000-07:00

Hi, I am…

Who am I? That is a good question that I have been asking myself for a long time. I sometime look in the mirror and ask myself that question. I look deep into my eyes and say Who.Am.I.

Life…my first name means life in Arabic and Swahili. Growing up I hated my name because in the early 80s when I started school folks had all kinds of issues trying to say it. But now I love it. I love the fact that it means life. I mean just say the word life. It feels good to say life. Life is great. Life is beautiful.

Beautiful…my middle name means beautiful. Beautiful. I’m working on it. I am working on feeling beautiful. I am working on seeing the beauty that life has to offer.

Life is beautiful. My Mom was pretty prolific with that, huh. I used to think it was corny but now I love it.

I have lived in the desert since I was born. The same city. My people are originally from the South. Louisiana to be exact. I think I am being drawn there now. We were back last year to bury my great grandmother and all I can think about is moving. Maybe not to Louisiana but definitely somewhere south. It just felt like home, like peace.

My mother passed away when I was 24. I became the legal guardian for my sister who is 12 years younger than me. My mother’s death marked the beginning of my life as the family caregiver. Caring for my grandmother (mom’s mom) and my sister. That gets tiring.

I am a mother. My son just turned 5 and he is the light of my life and the joy of my heart. He is funny, stubborn, smart, sometimes wild. This is my most important job. I am so blessed and proud to be his mom.

I am a homeowner. I am so happy and blessed that I am able to provide my son with a home of our own.

After my mother died, my life went into a slump. I just did for others. After I had my son, I did for him. I am now to the point where I realize that I need to do for me also. To be the best mom I can be for my son, I need to do for me too. For so long I gave of myself without anyone giving anything back. I need to focus on me.

This was a really hard post to write because I don’t know who I am…yet.

30 Day Posting Challenge

2010-08-03T11:11:00.001-07:00

It's my turn to jump on the wagon to do the blogging challenge. I am doing this because I need to write. I may not write well but it is something that I need to do. Like exercising or eating healthy, writing is something I need to live. It helps me get out all of the thoughts and feelings that I may not even tell my bff. Writing is helping me to grow. It is one of the best things that I am doing for myself right now. This challenge will make me dig deeeeeeeeeeep down and think. Maybe about something I have been avoiding.

I will not promise that there will be a new post everyday but I will post more often than I have been lately. Even when I think I have nothing to write about, I will. Tonight I will start by introducing myself.

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

...

2010-07-27T11:16:00.001-07:00

I remember when I was a little girl I was fearless. I was a lot like my son is now…smart and very confident in that, talkative, inquisitive. Somewhere along the way that confidence and fearlessness disappeared. I cannot pinpoint an exact moment when this happened. Maybe it was just years of being teased because I was smart that made me stop talking or was it the staring at my adolescent body that made me walk with my head down.

I have conquered a lot of my issues this year. This makes me very proud. I didn't post them in the beginning of the year because it's kind of embarrassing to admit some of them.

I am now about me and the opposite gender...men. I really miss the companionship, the chemistry and passion. I miss someone having my back and me theirs. I miss having someone to share my life with. When I read about my fellow bloggers and their SOs, I think "Damn I want that".

Then when I hear about my friend's issues with their SOs, I am so happy that I do not have to deal with that stuff.

I don't know...am I just hiding? I sometimes think that with starting my new school program and my usual duties as a mom and my job I think that I do not have time for a guy. But is this just another way for me to hide. There will always be something. There is never a perfect time. Most of the time I just block out the feeling of wanting companionship. It's been a long time but I am not sitting at home pining away because I do not have a man. I guess I will move in this direction when I am ready but I cannot let fear stop me from trying.

I need to get my confidence back. I am not the one to sit and play victim. But I have to stop acting like what happened in my previous relationship did not affect me. I need to stop acting like when you are mentally manipulated for years that it doesn't have an effect on you. It does. In my head when I admit that these things affect me it makes me think that he won, he broke me.

I need to stop acting like this weight gain is not a buffer to protect me from the hurt.

I need to stop acting like my "shyness" is not just another way to keep people(men) away.

I just listed alot of things I need to stop doing...but what do I need to start doing to be happy with me?

I guess I have to first ask myself if I am happy with myself? Why not?

What's the Rush...

2010-07-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I was on twi.tter complaining about not knowing where to start on changing my eating habits. My Oldgirl chimed in saying that I knew where to start. I said that I needed to start with a plan. She came back with "Well every thought starts from words going in and brewing."

Now...

I start many, many, MANY projects and never finish them. This is one of the things that truly irritates me about myself. Whether it is working out, eating right or some books. I have started many craft projects only to become bored with them and give up. Just up and leave them at whatever stage they are in and move on to the next.

I had to read LadyLee's comment a couple of times before it really sunk in. I start projects all willy nilly without letting it truly sink and reconcile with my spirit.

What is my rush?? I am not in control here. God is. All will be done in his time. This is something that I know but I don't act like I know. I need to be still. Yes.

Now it is time for me to let this brew.

A Little Random Me...

2010-07-19T23:34:00.000-07:00

So I am on to week 3 of my graduate classes and I am doing well so far. Being ing class with a group of teachers and future teachers is vastly different to being with say...a group of IT professionals. No offense to anyone reading but it just feels good to be in a place where everyone is so nuturing. I think that is what I need right now.

For the past week I have been so emotional. I have been on the verge of tears many times at work. I hate that. So I have to sit at my desk and try to compose myself.

I have been wondering alot lately about friendship. Can you tell your friend how you feel and I mean how you really feel? If they say or do something that hurts your feelings, shouldn't you be able to tell then or are you forced to hold it all inside?

I am getting ready to take a trip to the beach and the land of the mouse. I am pretty excited to get out of the desert for a while.

And speaking of desert...when I walked in my house at 6:30ish today, the weather man said that it had just dropped below 110. Yes degrees...ponder that.

Ohhhh and I almost forgot, I had an interesting encounter with The Cutie last week. I saw him in the hall and I spoke and went about my way. Later I saw him directly in front of me leaving from his side lobby on his way to the bathroom and I was on my side of the lobby going to the bathroom. I told him that he was going to have to stop following me. We laugh and then he says something that I don't quite hear. I asked him to repeat himself and he said "then maybe you will talk to me, if we meet in the hall". Hmmmm, so he wants me to talk to him. We didn't get to continue the convo because the doorway near the bathrooms were busy so I just went in. He just does not understand how hard talking to him is. It takes me back to highschool and I was around a boy I liked. He just smiles and my mind goes blank. BLANK I tell you! I can't think of anything good to say. It is so hard for me to keep the conversation going. There is something odd about him. I can't put my finger on it. I'm thinking that maybe he wants to chase him. He is 40 years old...he should know better. I am sure he is used to the women flocking like they do but I don't flock or chase. So...

It's time...

2010-07-09T14:21:00.001-07:00

Well the time had finally come. My masters classes start on Tuesday! I am really nervous because this is a totally different career path than I have ever planned. I am starting classes to get my masters degree in education - elementary ed. I am going to be a teacher! Oh lawd. I wrote some posts back that I did not like kids...I should have specified that I do not like unruly kids in an uncontrolled situation. I know that children are not controllable like little robots. Hopefully I will be able to manage my classroom in a way that the kids that are lacking structure at home will thrive in my environment. That didn't come out the way I wanted but let me make it plain that I will not take any crap from the little munchkins or their padres. My personality in general is stern but understanding and loving...I have been told anyway. LOL!

This is so scary for me. The program is 2 years long. For the last 13 weeks of the program I will be a full time student teacher. This means that I will have to take leave or quit my job then. I have never been without a job in my adult life. I am so thankful for that. This is a serious leap of faith. I have been praying about it and when I thought I was at peace with it, the doubts and nerves come creeping back again. My priority is and will be the wellbeing of my son. I have to be able to pay the bills and not stress his life during this transition. I know that being a single mother and sort of on the same schedule as him will help him in the long run. I do not have much help in the transporting department. Since my mom died I had been the only one in the fam that drives. My sister just got her license but no car yet. Hopefully this will be rectified soon and that will be a big help.

My boy is basically why I am doing this and also because I am pissed at the below par teachers that are floating around here right now. I had teachers that seriously changed my life. They did not look at me at just some little black girl from the Westside (the hood in Vegas). They saw my intelligence and that I had a family where education was important so they taught and challenged me. I hope I can be that for someone. I want them to know that it does not matter where you come from, you can still do great things. Not that I am all that but had I not had a supportive mother that would not tolerate not doing your best or BS in general, my life could have been so much different. I am figuring out now that she may have not pushed herself as she could have but she definitely pushed the hell out of me. For that I am so grateful.

I have always dealt with the internal struggle of fearing failure. When my mom was here I had her pushing me and I realize that many things I did were because I thought that was what she wanted. I was afraid but I still did it because of her. After she died, I was lost for a long time. I did not know what direction to take. I was of course taking care of my sister and then my grandmother when she became disabled. I was involved with my son's father so that became my focus. My son was born so he became my focus. Now being able to support him in a manner that will make me happy is now my focus. I do not want to be fearful of the blessings that God has in store for me. Some things may take hard work and be frightening but I have to keep moving forward.

Finding Balance

2010-07-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

I went into my son’s bathroom this afternoon to find no toilet paper and that he had taken the empty roll off and sat it and the holder on the counter. I told him to get some toilet paper and put it in the bathroom. This was met with the whining that seems to accompany anything that I ask him to do that interrupts his plans. I figured that I would have to go back in and actually put it on the roll correctly. To my surprise, he put it on the roll perfectly.

This little person has been entrusted to me to love, raise and guide to be a productive member of society. He is a black male child without a father. He is my baby. He will probably be my only baby. I am walking the tightrope between sheltering him and maybe expecting too much of him. I don’t know. I don’t want to be too hard on him or shelter him. I don’t want to push him to grow up…the world around him will do enough of that. His godfather seems to think that I shelter him too much but he and his wife (my BFF, son’s godmother) have a 9 year old that seems to think he is a teenager. I want to raise my son with a different set of sensibilities than them and that’s ok. Every parent is different. Some things that are important to me may not be important to them. I want my son to be responsible and make good decisions but not try to be an adult. My folks are from the south and even though I wasn’t born there I was still raised with those qualities and it is important to me that I pass them down to my child.

So I am trying to find the balance between loving mother and disciplinarian/teacher.

We are doing this thang!!

2010-06-22T15:39:00.001-07:00

I am walking around today with the biggest smile. Today is my son's FIFTH birthday. YAY!!! Yes I am still new to parenting but I am celebrating 5 like it is 105.

I will never be the one to say that parenting is easy. I never really thought it was easy but you don't really feel it until you have a child.

I guess in the deep dark recesses of my mind I knew that his dad and I would not be together long after my son was born and we were not. I think he saw that there was another person that was ahead of him in line for my love and he couldn't deal. We never gave each other 100 percent anyway. I never gave it to him because I figured if I did I would totally lose myself and be high and dry when he decided to leave. He never gave me 100 because he gives no one 100 but himself. So I should not have been surprised when he bailed on me. But I was. I was even more surprised when he bailed on his son. I know that I am civilized enough to co parent with him. It's over so it's over. It is about the relationship with him and his son, nothing more, nothing less. But I am not civilized enough to co parent with him as he constantly played games and made everything about him. Nope...I was not dragging my child through that. I AM Mama Bear and I will fight to the finish to protect my boy even from someone who shares the same blood. So he bailed on my son because he could no longer control me and have it all his way. It was his choice. I was devastated that he would abandon his blood. Over and over in my head I questioned how was I going to raise this child by myself, a boy child at that.

There have been many tear filled days and nights. Many thoughts of doubt and worry. So so many prayers...for patience, guidance, understanding, patience, ideas, support and more patience. I did not have faith that I could do it. We have made it 5 years into this journey no worse for wear. For this I am joyous and so thankful. We are doing THIS!!!

Ebbing and flowing...

2010-06-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

I am feeling kinda blah right now. Like Lady Lee says we all have our ebbs and flows. I understand that this is one of those times. Maybe this is hormones, Ion’t know.

Work: Work is just work. I go there and count down in my head until lunchtime so I can get out of the building. We moved from a rundown building where every department has its own suite to a big new building where all the departments are in one big room. I thought I would love it because the other building was seriously gross. I cannot stand being around so many people and noises. So during lunch I go out to my car to eat and read. I then go back to work and count down until it’s time to go. To me this is really sad. I know it’s my job and not my career but I better make some moves if I want a career. Which brings me to…

School: I have been out of school since January due to some lies told and some balls dropped on the some employees of the school’s part. I tried to take these months to really brainstorm, soul search and figure out what I really want to do. I did and I am entering a program that is not that far from my bachelors. It can definitely apply but the career is a stretch for me and I am really nervous about it. It is something that I have been thinking about off and on for about 8 yrs. So now I am going for it.

Family: I haven’t told my family about my school decision. I asked them what they thought before I decided and my sister thought it was a good idea (she is so sweet and such a cheerleader for me even though I bust her chops about some things) while my grandmother really didn’t have an opinion. This is how she is about many of my decisions so I don’t tell her things unless she really needs to know. Maybe I have changed my mind so much that she doesn’t believe in me. I had to take a break because that last phrase kind of broke me down. It make me thing and feel how much I miss my mother. She always believed in me even when I didn’t. In the 8 yrs since my mother’s death it seems like I have just been on autopilot. I just let what happens happen. Being afraid to step out of my protective box to get something because it may turn out badly. I am a lot quieter emotionally. I rarely share my feelings with anyone even my closest friend. Why? I keep everything inside because no one really listens since they are going through their own stuff. They may hear you and respond but not really listen.

I am losing my train of thought and running out of steam so I will revisit this…later.

The Thirties

2010-05-26T15:00:00.001-07:00

I was having a conversation with my BFF the other day about getting older and being in our thirties. I was somewhere recently and there were some adults there a little younger than I and they seem to be living this rock and roll/rap star lifestyle. I felt a bit out of place because there was a sense of fakeness in the air. I just wonder at what age do people really grow up or if this is a permanent thing for this younger generation. I was raising my sister at 24 so I while I went out and had fun; I still had to be responsible for someone else. Even if I didn’t have my sister to take care of I don’t think I would have gone balls to the wall crazy. And let’s remember where I live so that takes it to a whole different level. Folks are really trying to live like they see the rappers and socialites live. So my friend and I were talking about how comfortable we are being in our 30s. She is now going back to school to get a degree (I am so proud). Before she didn’t have the confidence to for this, she thought she wasn’t smart enough. Now she is more comfortable in being who she is and she knows all of the wonderful things that she is capable of.

I love being in my thirties. I am not currently doing the relationship thing but I am growing towards being ready every day. I know that when I throw my hat back into the arena I will be comfortable and confident in who I am. I am learning that the things that I see as weaknesses are not deficits to my character, they are just me. Not to be challenged or changed but to be accepted just as I will have to compromise and accept some things about others. I will not let any man diminish my importance to make their light shine brighter. I will not let the same crap I put up with before fly now. I was afraid of being alone. Well look, I am alone now and happier than I was then. Sure I get a little lonely and miss having someone at times just like everyone else but I have me. I have myself back and that is so much sweeter than it has even been.

Kids…LOL. Don’t be afraid of thirty! Embrace it.

The Real Official 'Here I Be' Hello

2010-05-25T13:41:00.001-07:00

Now for a real hello!

HEEEELLLLO EVERYBODYYYYYYY!

How is everyone doing? All eight of you. LOL! I have missed you all. I have still been reading blogs but I just didn't feel inspired to write. My life has been pretty boring of late. Please understand, I like boring. Boring for me also equals drama free. I like drama free. I like it alot.

My boy finally lost his first baby tooth. I know I blogged about it some time ago and yes, it has taken just that long. We were at a party over the weekend (5/22/10) and five minutes into the jumpee session to end all jumpee sessions he comes out with his tooth in his hand saying "Look Mom, my tooth came out". I was shocked but not so much because I figured since we were stressing (for lack of a better word) so much about it, it would fall out in an unconventional way. I did that whole tooth fairy thing that night. I went online and found a letter from the tooth fairy and personalized it. I put his money in an envelope with his name on it and slipped it under his pillow. The next morning he woke me up waving his money around. I asked him if there was a letter in with his money and he promptly told me that "The tooth fairy does not leave letters, Mom". Well excuse me. I dropped the subject and have yet to find the letter. I think he thought it was wrapping paper for his money. I guess that's what I get for doing too much. Heehee.

I have a little list I made of things I want to discuss so back to back posts may be in order. Talk with you soon..

Oh I almost forgot...shout out to Mrs. Tazzee. Congrats on your recent nuptials!

Quick hello.

2010-05-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say HI! I hope everyone is well. I will be back soon.

No more tickets!

2010-04-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

So…I had to go pay a speeding ticket yesterday. Yeah, the chick who WAS(haha) afraid of the freeway is a speed demon. So I went to pay my ticket and thankfully I got there early. When the long, LONG line was separated into two, I was able to go in the shorter line because of my lower fine. I was the sixth person in this line so I was hoping my wait would not be that long. I get my number and sit down. Next to me on the right there is an empty seat and a table on the left. In strolls this ole skool wannabe playah from way back. You know the kind of man that is on the other side of 40 but can never seem to dress and act his age. So he comes and sits right in front of me while singing “Gon have me some baybays”. I am thinking “awww ish”. There were plenty of other seats available but no he sat right smack dab in front of me…maybe I looked lonely. (NOT) I keep checking my fb and twit.ter pages and never even look at him. I did not want him to spark up a convo with me about having some baybays. You know that these types of men seem to flock together and all know each other. So he spoke with some of his comrades and all of a before I knew what was even going on I was surrounded. Someone sat down to my right, on the chair on the other side of that table and then next to me on the table. He sat on the table man!!! I was seriously thinking “are you kidding me? My number needs to be called like RIGHT NOW!” And thankfully it was called about 5 minutes later. But I had to walk in front of them and see them watching my behind from the corner of my eye. Ugh. The good thing is that I was out of there before 8am and didn’t miss much work time.

On another note my baby has his first loose tooth!!!!!!!!!!! I can already see the other one growing in. I am so excited. I cannot believe that my baby is almost 5. I’m gonna need some support so I don’t go crazy when kinder starts in August. It seems like it was just yesterday that I could lay him on my chest and rock him. Now he is a big boy. **tear**

My Present

2010-04-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

I told myself that before I went to sleep tonight I would write this. I have been writing it in my head for the past week. Well here it is.

My birthday was a week ago this past Sunday. I like to think of the whole weekend as my birthday when it falls on a Saturday or Sunday. I took off the Friday before and Saturday after. You would think that I had a blowout party planned but that was not the case. On the Friday I took my son and sister to the state park. I used to go there as a kid but when I got there nothing looked familiar. There are numerous hills and ponds with ducks and geese. We took bread to feed the ducks but almost got jacked by the geese. Geese are some mean suckas! It was nice, cool and peaceful there. It would be a good spot for an afternoon date.

On Saturday we went to the fair with my BFF. It was in a small town located about an hour north (This info is important later). My son had a ball on the rides. He rode them with my godson who is nine. He thinks that he is nine too, lol. We also saw all kinds of stinky blue ribbon animals. I actually felt sorry for them. There was a cow who definitely wanted out of the pen. There was a beautiful peacock who was scared of all the grimy kids and their loud parents.

Fear…A couple of times I have mentioned a fear that I have been working on conquering. Due to a bad experience, I have been afraid to drive on the freeway/interstate. I ride with others driving but I am nervous the whole time. I felt so trapped by this fear, especially when our family drove to Louisiana last summer. We drove because my grandmother doesn’t fly and is also disabled. I didn’t help do any of the driving. This is something that has caused me so much embarrassment. I am a grown woman that is raising a man child on her own and I can’t conquer this?!?! So my plan was to drive on the freeway before the end of the first quarter and I did that. I have been practicing around town. When my BFF suggested that we go to the fair, transport was my first worry. I knew if we were going that I would have to drive my care because theirs is not big enough for all of us. I was so scared and excited at the same time. I drove for over an hour on the interstate!!! I am not going to lie, I was scared and it was windy. And I was praying but I did it. I know it may not sound like a big deal but fear will take over your life if you let it. I am determined to knock these fears down one by one. I have things to accomplish and I will not let anything stand in my way. This was a damn good birthday present.

A Poem for Me

2010-04-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written a poem in a long time but something moved in my spirit today and this was the result.

Why so mean?
Cause I fit in better with the corporate scene?

Why so mean?
Because I am doing things that you can’t even dream.

Why are you going around with your face frowned up and your mask cracking
…all over the floor

See I used to wear a masked too but I realized…
I couldn’t breathe…too restricted.

Restricted by the ideas and judgments of who others thought I should be.
It took almost 32 years but I learned to be me.

Proud…I am the ish!
Regal…I know how to sport my crown!
Caring…I do care!
Compassionate…I feel!
Intelligent…and you know it!
Strong…Yes I can!
Weak…not ashamed anymore!
Spiritual…Blessed and so Grateful!
…just me.

Happily, just me!

I do not go back to work until Tuesday and I have a kid-free Saturday night. If I do not end up going out I plan to spend the night relaxing with a good book and a glass of wine. I want to just spend this time chilling the hell out. I have been too wound up and concerned with things that don’t really matter. God had a plan and will take care of it all. Since the juices seem to be flowing, I may even do some writing.

This is one of my most favoritest (heehee) songs. The music in this song just takes me to a place that I can’t even find the word to describe right now. The melodies…the emotion in the voice…yeah, they touch me deep deep down in my soul. Enjoy.

Who are you and the kid next door...

2010-04-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

I have been vaguely following the Miss Ery.Kah’s nakedness and the world’s (media’s) reaction to it. She has been tweeting her heart out about it in only a way she can. Today she said something that resonated with me. She said something about her groupthink platform and then said Who are you really. This got my wheels turning thinking about the question. Who am I??? My first thought was that I am a mom. Yes that is great but that is not all that I am. I am a sister, a daughter a caregiver but that is not who I really am. After this is published, I am putting pen to paper and write until…

On a funny (hopefully) note we met one of the children that live next door today. I have lived in this house for almost a year and a half and this is the first conversation I have had with any of those neighbors. The neighbors that were on the other side recently moved but we spoke when we saw each other. There is a man down the street that speaks when we see him. The parents next door will not even speak if we are outside; in fact they rush to close their garage when mine opens. So the little boy was sitting in the driveway playing a recorder. Yes, an old school grade school recorder. I lingered outside of my garage and he came towards us while T was talking about the weeds. (The weather has been funky in Vegas so we have weeds) He said that he would pull them up for me. I told him that he didn’t need to do that he said that he would. We introduced ourselves. He said that if I ever needed a babysitter to let him know because he just wants to make some money. That was so nice. But…he is only about 7 to 9 years old and 3 inches taller than my boy. (My boy is big and the neighbor boy is small). I tried to cut the conversation off but before I could he emphasized that he would be willing to pull my weeds. I told him that he didn’t need to do that. He said that he just wants to be a good neighbor. That is sweet and all but I hope I don’t have issues with his parents that pretend that I do not exist. I don’t want them thinking I asked their boy to work in my yard. This will be interesting since although I love my son, my young relatives and godchildren…I am not a kid person. Most of all, I am cautious because of the parents.

Lawd, I'm so happy it's ...

2010-04-02T11:03:00.001-07:00

Friday, Friday FRIDAY! I am so glad that it is Friday. This week has given me a nice little booty whooping. I am tired! I think it has been more mental than anything else. Hormones get on my nerves!!!

WW update: There is no WW update. We did not join. My friend called them (more than once) and they said that it was a certain price and when she got there(she got there before me) they said yeah, well that is sort of misleading and it is actually that price but with a registration fee and if you prepay x number of weeks before hand. Needless to say my friend was upset and felt bad that she told me about it and was all excited and we didn't do it. I am cool. We are just going to have to do this the old fashion way. Weighing, being active(the words "work out" make me not want to do it) and holding each other accountable. As long as we have been friends we never really got deep with the weight loss with each other. I guess because when you are overweight you really don't want anyone to know how much you weigh even your BFF. I am being inspired so much from my blogging friends and I must say thank you all for that. I know that if I put this into perspective and take things s l o w and not expect miracles overnight, this can be done.

Goals: What goals? I took a look at my vision board and it is just not doing it for me. I need to do it over and then maybe take a picture of it for the wallpaper on my phone and computer. I am an out of sight out of mind person. It is in view but not in a place that I HAVE to look at. This must change.

My birthday: My birthday is coming up next Sunday. I am not really doing anything exciting. I am a taking that Friday and Monday off. Four day weekend in the house!!! I plan to spent one of those days with T and the other one vegging out. I want to find a really good book and just lay in my bed reading. Oh my goodness. I can feel the softness of my sheets now. They are calling me. Hopefully the above mentioned friend and I will get to do something...kidfree.

I went to a health food store a couple of weeks ago to get coconut oil for my natural and I got some flax seeds and agave nectar. I have not used either one. I am kind of scared of those flax seeds. I have taken flax seed oil pills but these little seeds look menacing. I know how the oil tastes and blech, I am not looking forward to it. I'm sure they taste differently. This is a mind over matter thing. And about the agave nectar, I do not cook with sugar very often at home (all the junk I eat is sugar filled though) and I forget it is even there. Maybe I need to bring it to work for my tea. I have actually weaned myself off of sweetened tea so maybe not. I just need to go ahead and do some research for some good baking recipes to use it in. Maybe the same for the seeds.

I cannot stand the governor of my state. Everything the POTUS has tried to do, this sorry bastid has been against it no matter how it may help the people of the state he governs. And this fool was caught by one of our news stations coming back from a trip to a governors' conference in Washington with a woman that was not his wife. They are in the middle of a divorce but still, he was wining and dining his jump off on taxpayers money. OOOOOHHHH, this man just burns me up.

With that...have a good weekend fam!

The Question

2010-03-29T10:28:00.001-07:00

This morning my son woke up asking about his dad. He asked if his dad had our number and if I had his. This really broke my heart. I knew there would come a day when he would ask about his dad. I had a whole little speech planned. That went right out the window this morning. I told him that his dad does have our number. With the speed that his dad changes his number I'm sure the one I have is no longer working. It has been two years since he has seen his dad and about a year and a half since I had to hear the lies that he would come and see him. Sorry if I sound pissed but I guess I am on behalf of my baby. I will just keep doing what I am doing: praying for guidance that I will be able to be the best mother I can be to him and protection over him, keep teaching and loving him, hoping that he will turn out to be a gift to the world and not a burden.

I am really trying not to be upset or bitter but when your child is in pain for any reason, a mother is going to feel it and want to make it better. This is something I can't make better. I can't produce his dad. Maybe I am the selfish one for not tracking down his dad so he can make my life a living hell again. My son has stability now and he is thriving in it. He doesn't have the coming in and out of his life or the empty promises. I can't lie this makes my life easier. In the days where I tried to make his dad a part of his life, it would blow up in my face. I would let the drama that would follow take over me. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was not a good mother. I had not healed from what had happened between us but I was willing to deal with him for the sake of our son. I did not grow up with my dad so I tried to make sure my son had his. When this did not work time and time again, I took it as a sign from God that I needed to leave it alone. I did contact him on my son's behalf and he did not contact his son. I have the same cell number so...it has been on him. I cannot knowingly and deliberately introduce that drama and confusion into my son's life so when it is time God will have to say so.

Still doesn't help with the guilt that I didn't do enough or that I had a child with this person. Being young, sheltered and naive...

I know that he will ask again and I can't fumble around the answer this time. How to answer question will be a constant prayer of mine for a while.

Ask...

2010-03-25T15:28:00.001-07:00

Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

John 14:13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
14 If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

As I was sitting here being in a funk of sorts, something that I wanted can across my path. It is a very small thing that will not really have an impact on my life. It is more like a convenience. And this popped into my head. Every time that I have wanted something and asked for it with unwavering faith it has been given. How blessed am I? Why didn't this click in my head until now?

I waver on the things that I think I want and with my confidence level on whether I really want them and if I have faith that I will receive them. Why? Because I do not really know that I want. I may know what others think I should want but I do not know what I really want. I do not know what to ask for because I do not know what I want. Maybe I need to make a list of what I do know I want. Any suggestions?

My Weekend

2010-03-22T11:41:00.001-07:00

I really did not do much worth mentioning this weekend. I went shopping for the little one (I may need to stop calling him the little one. He is definitely not little, 65 lbs, 4ft tall almost 5 yr old). So, I want shopping for T (is that better) on Saturday and my sister came along to get some things for herself. Then we had ice cream at the food court. This was T's first time eating at the mall since he was a baby. He was the type of toddler that would scream, yell and try to run away when he did not get his way. Instead of catching a case for slapping the juice out of someone that dared to say something about me disciplining my child, we just didn't linger in the mall long. And plus I am so not a mall person. T is much more well behaved now and I remember the torture of being dragged through the mall all day so I do not want to do that to him. Right when he was getting cranky it was time for him to eat. He ate and me and my sister had ice cream. I shared mine with T so that was a good thing for me and him.

Yesterday I began my spring cleaning. I was cooking and doing laundry and then started cleaning. By 3pm I was drop dead tired so we napped. He napped so I napped.

Tomorrow is the day that I start wei.ght watc.hers. I will admit that I am a bit nervous. As bad as this sounds, I always though of this program was for for morbidly obese people. I guess that was a defense mechanism on my part. "I am tall and not that big so I don't need to do that." That is BS. I need to do whatever I need to do that will work. I have spent way to much time hiding behind this fat.

This is all apart of getting my mind right. It may not happens at someone else's pace or even as quickly as I think I want it too. But I can look back and see a difference...and this is good.

Adventure

2010-03-17T10:56:00.001-07:00

This morning has been an adventure.

It started when my son woke me up this morning at 4:25 AM because it seems that he slept his way out of one leg of his pjs. Poor baby was so confused by it. If it wasn't 4:25 AM and I would have cracked up. I told him to put his leg back in and go back to bed. He tried but then he fell down. I told him to stand against the wall and do it. My sleepy baby is too funny. He went back to bed and I tried to go back to sleep for 30 minutes (yeah right).

I doze a little and then the electricity goes off. About 30 seconds later it came back on so I thought all was cool. My two alarms went off and I dragged my sleepy self out of bed at about 5:20. I went to the sink to brush my teeth and suddenly I was in the dark. Fumbling around I dropped the flashlight that is in my room and it ventured under the bed. Damn... With the light of my beloved iph.one, I made my way to the flashlight in the kitchen drawer. Just as I turned it on I heard "MOM". So I go to get him from the now dark and frightening place that is his room. We got the flashlight from under the bed. I put him on my bed with one of the flashlights and my phone so he can watch one of the kiddie apps that I downloaded last week. Thank God for that because he was killing me with his worries about who stole our power. I was thinking that we will just get dressed and go to my grandmother's house a little early. We got dressed and I remembered the fact that my car is in the garage and the garage needs electricity to operate. Damn again... I then remembered that the garage has an in case of emergency latch. I figured that I could pull the latch, back the car out, close the door and the reattach the latch. I went in and pulled the latch. It clicked. I raised the garage and see it opening. I thought "yay, we're free". And then I heard my son screaming "yay, you did it". I thought he was happy because his mom is the ish and I had opened the garage but no, he thought I fixed the power. I went through all these ideas and worries just for the lights to come back on when I had my solution. We finished getting out stuff together and I got to work only 8 minutes late.

On another note...I love to write. I have loved to write for a long time. I used to write short stories and poems but as life happened, I stopped. It was a form of therapy for me. There is this story that has been kicking around in my head for some time now. I have been writing bits and pieces of it here and there. Well...yesterday I wrote the prologue! I am excited about that because I finally found a place to begin. To me, my writing is really basic. The only way to improve that is to keep writing. I plan on doing just that!

On an other another note...my BFF convinced me to do wei.ght watc.hers with her. We start next week. I am a little nervous because I don't really like to answer to folks or have them all in my business. Nothing else has worked so maybe this will help hold me accountable.

One Woman Show

Now It's Time to Say...

Helllllllll-er!

The Letters

Thankful/Random

The Letters

200 Posts...Owwwwwwww!

Sorry suckas...

I woke up this morning...with a smile on my face.

Sisterhood...is it dead?

Thankful

No Fairytales

Caught in my chest

Thankful...

It is what it is

Dreaming...

Not gonna let myself want you

Those Blue Eyes

Our big day...the first of many

I thought I was ready...

The Questions We Ask Ourselves

When I get quiet...

I need OUT of this place!!!

SO PROUD!!!

Strength

Thanks For My Child

I'm ready...

A Valuable Lesson...

Where am I...

Thankful.

Daddy Issues

It's my birthday....

Back To Life

Go on in the room, girl.

He said what???

I see so much clearer...

Baby, I'm a Firework!!

On to the next...

Preach on Preacha!!!

Emotionless

Eh...

Happy Birthday Mommy!

My Mantra

What I have learned in 2010

Brainiacs...brainiacs on the run...

...Brings Me Joy

Kid Stress

Work Stress

My Stuff

I Cry...

The Boy, the Marker and the Tims

Owning me...

Thoughts...and stuff

**side eye** on the outside...BIG SMILE on the inside

I'se FREE!

Rainy night into rainy day...

Another sleepless night...

Rainy night...off the dome...

Peaceful Life

Giving Thanks...

Dreaming...don't like it.

Celebratory Pants

Limitations

Open House

So so random...

Off the Dome

Day 5 – Your Definition of Love

Unplugged

Day 4 What I Ate Today

Clutter...

Day 3 - My Parents

Back from Cali...

First love...brokenheart, broken spirit

Day 2 - Your First Love

Day 1 - Introduce Yourself

30 Day Posting Challenge

...

What's the Rush...

A Little Random Me...

It's time...

side eye on the outside...BIG SMILE on the inside